After the birth

I didn't sleep well in the hospital. I was still having major adrenalin rushes and the excitement of the day kept replaying in my mind. My dr had said that he would come in around 8am and release me and so about every 20 minutes throughout the night I would jolt awake and look at the clock thinking oh it's almost 8 o'clock, but then it would be only like 3am ... it was a long night needless to say. I remember hearing Logan crying down the hallway and he sounded so adorable, but the overwhelming feeling for me at that moment was that I was so glad he was with his mom. I had prepared myself to enjoy the recovery without a newborn and I honestly was and still am.

The next morning finally came and my dr released me. My husband came and brought our daughters to meet Logan. I felt like I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I was feeling really great physically and emotionally and I just wanted to get home, rest and spend time with my family. I was curious to see how my girls would respond to Logan, but beyond the usual curiosity of a baby they didn't seem all that fazed by the whole thing. I explained to my 4 year old on the way out that that was the baby that was in my tummy and that it was Ben and Ali's and they were going to take it home. She just responded "I know mom b/c your tummy isn't big anymore." That was it... end of conversation as far as she was concerned. I'm glad she took it so well. My two year old was a bit out of sorts for a couple days, I think mainly from me being gone and messing up our schedule, but she's back to her normal self now. I realized that she is VERY unready to be an older sister and that's just fine with me. haha

Getting home was really nice. I really didn't have a lot of emotions about everything. I had a good cry once I was finally alone, but that was mostly a frp, the feelings of relief and shock that it had finally come to an end. I wasn't sad that I wasn't bringing a baby home or missing the pregnancy. It felt like everything was as it should be.

That same day I got a call from my mom. The blood tests on Logan had come back and he had a positive blood type so I had to come back and get my Rhogam shot (since I was negative). I was more than happy to return. I'm a maternity ward junky haha. I will miss seeing the nurses there and always love catching glimpses of the women coming in to labour or moms with their new babies. It's 'usually' a happy place. So I went back in, got my shot, visited with the nurses for a bit and then went in to see Ben, Ali and baby one more time before they left. I got to hold Logan again and this time I actually felt like I could focus on his face and his little hands and who he looked like. There is no denying the genetics of this baby! He didn't look like any baby that had be born into my family. He wasn't a familiar face. He looked like his dad! :) It was nice to hold him one last time. They were being released the next day and we didn't know if we would get chance to see each other again. I actually prefer "maybe goodbyes" rather than the regular ones. They feel less final and I felt like saying goodbye, maybe we'll see you tomorrow was the perfect kind of closure. It still left us open to seeing each other soon even if it wasn't the next day or even a few months later.

The few days after they left I just kept myself busy. There was so much activity going on towards the end of the pregnancy and knowing my feelings after I had my youngest daughter I felt that if I could keep my mind busy and my days filled with friends and family until I got passed the hormonal stage I would be fine. I can say for the most part it worked. There was one evening, I think it was day 4 after Logan was born. My husband had gotten called into work, my kids were in bed, my friends were all with their families and I felt the familiar feelings of "oh no, I have nothing to do!" creeping up on me. Having something to look forward to really helps so sitting their by myself made me feel vulnerable. I don't know if it was God knowing what I needed or if I just happen to have really great friends who call frequently (probably both), but that night and those feelings passed with random, much needed phone calls from friends. We even started planning our Mexico trip in November (with a group of people) so that gave me some homework to do and a much needed distraction. That feeling hasn't returned and I don't think it will. It's the usual hormonal stage that comes when your body has been through such a dramatic change. I knew it would come and I'm happy it's gone. My milk came in with a vengeance that day as well and for two days I was SORE like never before, but thankfully after 48 hours my body took the hint and started to diminish the supplies. haha It's hard for me not to think of it as a waste, but I am really happy to not be breastfeeding right now.

It is now 6 days after the birth. I am feeling completely healed. My body seems to be returning back to normal faster than I had hoped. I have a client (I'm a doula) who was due yesterday and I am looking forward to sharing that birth with her. There are lots of joys in life and I feel like I am ready to experience them as myself again. I can be a mom, a wife, a daughter and a friend the way I was a year ago and it's nice :) I am SOO happy to have gone through this journey and I am happy now to have completed it. I look forward to watching little Logan grow and I know that he will be enjoyed and loved by his family.

Lots of people ask me if this is something that I would do again. It feels like a really complex question now that we are done. I look back on this journey with fondness and appreciation. I feel so blessed that this was something that we were able to do and yes it came with it's sacrifices, but they are hard to remember already. My husband had a harder time than I did with it. Here he had a wife who was pregnant, but it wasn't accompanied with the same type of joy and excitement that it does when it's his. He had a hard time finding ways to share in this journey. So I guess the answer to that question is maybe. I won't actively search for a couple, but if something came up (just like it did this time) than I would pray about it and of course consult my husband and we would have to see if we felt that was where God was leading us. Who knows what life holds :) I'm excited to find out!!