Monday, September 13, 2010

4 weeks after the birth

It feels like it has been WAY longer than four weeks since the delivery of Logan, but at the same time I can't believe that we are four weeks away either. It all seems so surreal. I still have to remind myself that I actually delivered a baby! It's amazing how the mind can forget such memorable things. Things that I promised myself I would always remember feel like just a distant memory. I remember when I was pregnant thinking I can't even remember what it's like to be myself again and now I can't remember what it's like to be pregnant! I remember the things that happened during and after the delivery, but I can't remember what the pain felt like or how intense it was. Did this actually happen?? Sometimes it feels like it isn't even real. I love looking at the pictures of Logan with his parents, but I still cannot connect in my mind that he was the one inside me all that time. There's nothing that clicks... it's really weird. To put it simply to me he is Ben and Ali's son. He's adorable and I love sharing in their joy, but I am not part of that equation anymore. He is all theirs!! :)

The recovery has been going really well. Physically I still feel great. It is discouraging that I am not fitting into my old pants yet, mainly b/c I keep forgetting that I was pregnant four weeks ago. When you have a baby at home it's a constant reminder of what just happened, but for me I feel 100% like myself only I'm not really looking like myself. We are going to Mexico in December and I really want to shed the baby weight so that I can at least fit into my usual summer clothes. It feels like I have a deadline for this weight loss and I am really feeling that I need to let that go. It's going to be gradual no matter what I do and I need to remember that.

Emotionally I have been doing okay. I have to say that I am surprised by the feelings that I have been having lately. I think in trying to ward off the feelings of things being very anti-climactic I have completely warn myself out. I have had two days at home since the delivery and it's starting to drain me. I am an extrovert. I LOVE my friends. They are the highlight of my week and I never get sick of seeing them. It's always been hard for me to put the breaks on and slow down my social life, but even more so right now. I feel like I have reverted back to my high school self who needed to see people all the time and my ability to be content in my own home is not there. Knowing these things doesn't make it easier to change them though. I don't want to stay home. My kids love getting out just as much as I do and it's hard to say no when I know there is something funner to do than sitting at home. So I'm working on that... and thinking it through. I can't believe how emotional I have become either. I could honestly say in the past I was not a crier, but now think I would fall under that category a bit more. I am finding emotions just touch me so much more. Be this pregnancy hormones or lack of sleep I don't know, but I think that I am beginning to like it. I love that things can touch me on a deeper level. I still have a head on my shoulders and I'm not going to get swept away by what I'm feeling, but I think that I'm giving myself the freedom to actually feel them and it's freeing. I think this journey has taught me a lot about the freedom in feelings.

I've been keeping in touch with Ali and Ben, mostly over e-mail. Logan is healthy and growing and they are having a blast showing him off. I love looking at the pictures they post of him. It blesses my heart to see that they are enjoying and loving him SO much. They just beam in the photos. He is such a blessing, all our children are and I feel so honored to have carried him.

I was actually catching up on the blogs that I follow today and it hit me... I miss it. I can't say I miss being pregnant at the moment, but I miss the journey. It had it's ups and downs, but wow it was special. I know there were hard days, but overall it was enjoyable. It makes me want to do it again. :)

3 comments:

  1. My first surrogacy reminded me of planning for my wedding . . . a year of planning and all of a sudden it's over. Then you don't know what to do with yourself because there is nothing else to plan.

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  2. I felt that way even after my own pregnancy's were over. It's so busy and exciting and then it's one and calm and quiet and I had gotten so used to living my life like that that I now don't know what to do with myself :) I'm sure I"ll back into the swing of things.

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