30 weeks!

I know I have said it again and again so I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record. I really want this blog to be real. I don't want to sugar coat my feelings b/c I'm worried about who might read it. There is never any question in my mind that I am more than glad about where we all are right now, but I do have my days and in this instance, my week of struggles. For some reason week 29 was a difficult one and I am quite relieved that we have reached week 30 and I don't have to relive it ever again. I don't know what set me off, but it pushed me over the edge and I had sort of a mini meltdown. I'm not a crier in the least so to push me to the point of tears is not something that happens often.

I think there were probably a few things that just seemed to pile up all at once. I started to feel uncomfortable in this pregnancy for the first time and although I knew it was coming I guess I still wasn't prepared when it did. It was so hot and it was making my feet and hands start to swell. I couldn't help but feel discouraged that this is what my summer was going to be like. I LOVE summer and I was bummed that I wasn't going to enjoy it this year and that I would be wishing it away, especially since we get so few summer months here in Northern BC. Then there was the growing belly and the baby's position. I have carried a child every which way before, but never transverse and this is a whole nother ball game. It actually defy's logic. Why would a baby chose to lay along the smallest possible area in there when there is so much more room if "she" would just stretch out lengthwise with my body. There was baby where I didn't even know baby could be. Is there even uterus that far towards my sides??? Apparently there is b/c I'm feeling a head. I was just feeling very very full of baby. Every once in awhile "his" head will float into a breach position and it gives me a little reprieve and surprisingly it always happens when I am driving... not sure why. I feel like this baby is trying to bust out my sides. I guess "she" is very anxious to be home with "her" parents, but hopefully "he" decides to a. not bust out of anything and b. stay in there a little while longer.

I have also been having a difficult time accepting that I am "loosing" my body to pregnancy. I haven't been as attached to this pregnancy for obvious reasons and so I have found that I have been really holding onto what part is still me. Looking at my body right now what I see is all the work that I have ahead of me to get myself back to where I want to be. It's not just the belly that grows, it's the love handles, the thighs, the butt, the arms, the face... basically anything that can grow will grow. I can try to ignore it right now, but that doesn't take it away. This is normal for me in pregnancy and I expected it, but I guess I didn't quite realize how much harder it would be to except this time. I am not a "momma to be" I am still just Brandi. It's very different. I have ordered a colourful hospital gown to wear while I am in labour and for a lot of people that seemed like a waste of money, but for me it kind of symbolized how I feel. This will be me as a women in labour not a mother. And when this baby no longer inhabits my body I will still just be me. I won't have a life altering position to play for this child. I will be going back to life as usual and unfortunately I will be bringing my over sized body and jelly belly with me. I'm well within the boundaries of healthy weight gain during this pregnancy, but it's still weight gain and it still changes how I look.

All of those things just seemed to pile on top of me at once and I was feeling like this last 10 weeks was going to last FOREVER. I was ready to be done and I knew that I wouldn't be for another 2 1/2 months. I wanted to jump into my skinny jeans or put on a cute summer dress and go to the beach. I wanted to feel like me again.

Laying there in bed I finally succumbed to these feelings that had been plaguing me all week and I had a good cry. My poor husband didn't know what to do with me, but thankfully he just hugged me and reminded me of how beautiful he thinks I am and reminded me of all the fun things we are going to do this summer that will make time just whiz by. I was not wishing away the pregnancy, but wishing away the time and he reminded me that these next few weeks are going to be awesome and that I really didn't want to do that.

I woke up the next morning feeling SOOO much better. Yes the baby is still transverse, but I have decided to enjoy feeling that little head poking out my side instead of groan and I am just going to dip my feet in cool water (or my whole body if need be) when I'm too warm or extra swollen. I'm going to get lots of foot rubs from my hubby and just enjoy knowing that I don't have to do anything to fix my body right now. I will get back to my normal self. I've done it two other times. I am eating healthy and doing everything I can right now to make my job easier when I'm done and that's all I can do. I can't obsess about what I look like right now. I need to be thankful that God has decided to allow us to grow this precious life and remember that this really isn't about me. Yes I have thoughts and feelings and they are important, but there is a bigger picture and I can't forget that. I feel much much better about things. I am back to my usual self and I am enjoying this heat (and the breeze haha) and this journey. It was just a little bump in the road. I never even for a second regretted this decision. I never will! But I did for a few days wish that it didn't take so long. I know growing human beings (optimally) takes 9 months and that's what we all signed up for and once again I am excited that we are officially at 30 weeks and wow what a great point to reach. :) 30 weeks is a blessing beyond words. There are people who don't make it to this stage and it's so scary and can be so devastating. I'm so greatful that neither us nor Ali and Ben have to face that reality. I am thankful for where we are :)