A Surrogates Journey

First visit with Ali and Logan

2010-12-20T06:11:00.000-08:00

We recently returned from our trip to Mexico, but before we left I got the most wonderful gift, a visit with Logan and Ali. He is seriously SOOO sweet. I can't believe he is over 3 1/2 months old now!! I don't think I have ever held a sweeter little guy. I really didn't know what to expect going into it. Would be feel familiar now that it's been a few months?? Would I feel a different connection with him than any of my other friends babies?? Well, I have to say that no, not really. He is only familiar b/c I have seen photo's and b/c he looks so much like his dad. And when I look at Ali he looks like he belongs in those arms so much so that they have become a set in my mind... or a trio I'm sure if I had seen Ben too. I did feel a connection to Ali's family (I met her parents too) in a way that I haven't with anyone else and I think to a certain extent that will always be there for me. We all shared something very special. I honestly can't say how amazing it was to see them. Ali looks like she was made to be Logan's mom, actually I believe she was. Logan's grandparents are so loving and attentive with him. I honestly feel that he couldn't have a better family and if I could of imagined what I hoped and dreamed for him I would have prayed for them. There is a contentedness that comes with seeing such a happy ending, or more appropriately worded, a happy begining. I know that God has a plan for this beautiful little boy. He was masterfully sculpted (by God) and put on this earth, however unconventionally, to be raised by this loving, Godly family and to bless the world with the gifts that he has been given, with the uniqueness that will make him Logan.

8 weeks after the birth...

2010-10-30T16:56:00.000-07:00

8 weeks! 2 whole months!! Time flies...

It doesn't feel like it actually happened. I don't feel like I just gave birth. My body, although still on the heavier side of my normal, feels like nothing ever happened. My hormones are back on track and things seem to be running smoothly. I look at pictures of Ali, Ben and Logan and it feels like I am looking at good friends and their new baby and it makes me smile. There really isn't any lingering feeling of loss. My doula gave me some pictures of the birth at my "Surrogate shower" and I just LOVE to look at them. Although the birth was breathtakingly painful I still remember it with such fondness. It was an experience that I feel so blessed and honored to have gone through. So here are a few of the photo's I have. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

Ali's hands on her son 5 days before we met him.

Me and my mom (who was my nurse for the birth). The is after the second dose of the cintocin gel was administered and we were contemplating whether or not I should leave or stay.

Having a contraction... I was starting to have to concentrate on them. I think I was 4cm's at this point.

We left and came back and had my membranes ruptured and called Ali to come now. This was my second to last non-pushing contraction.

It was hard to keep focus on what we were doing. For me this was the final challenge before the end. It wasn't the same when you are looking forward to meeting your baby. I can remember clearly what I was thinking in this picture... "this sucks" hahaha

And before I knew it, it was all over and Ali was bringing him back in to meet me :)

What hit me the most was how instantly he was hers.

And from the begining it was all about him.

:)

He is pretty darn cute

I had so many of my great friends come to be with me after the birth. They were my lifeline through this whole journey and I couldn't have done it without them.

I feel so blessed

My moms shift ended just after the birth so she got to hang out with us all too :)

And this is my amazing doula. She doted and on me and spent hours upon hours preparing me for this moment.

I can't believe it's over...

4 weeks after the birth

2010-09-13T17:39:00.000-07:00

It feels like it has been WAY longer than four weeks since the delivery of Logan, but at the same time I can't believe that we are four weeks away either. It all seems so surreal. I still have to remind myself that I actually delivered a baby! It's amazing how the mind can forget such memorable things. Things that I promised myself I would always remember feel like just a distant memory. I remember when I was pregnant thinking I can't even remember what it's like to be myself again and now I can't remember what it's like to be pregnant! I remember the things that happened during and after the delivery, but I can't remember what the pain felt like or how intense it was. Did this actually happen?? Sometimes it feels like it isn't even real. I love looking at the pictures of Logan with his parents, but I still cannot connect in my mind that he was the one inside me all that time. There's nothing that clicks... it's really weird. To put it simply to me he is Ben and Ali's son. He's adorable and I love sharing in their joy, but I am not part of that equation anymore. He is all theirs!! :)

The recovery has been going really well. Physically I still feel great. It is discouraging that I am not fitting into my old pants yet, mainly b/c I keep forgetting that I was pregnant four weeks ago. When you have a baby at home it's a constant reminder of what just happened, but for me I feel 100% like myself only I'm not really looking like myself. We are going to Mexico in December and I really want to shed the baby weight so that I can at least fit into my usual summer clothes. It feels like I have a deadline for this weight loss and I am really feeling that I need to let that go. It's going to be gradual no matter what I do and I need to remember that.

Emotionally I have been doing okay. I have to say that I am surprised by the feelings that I have been having lately. I think in trying to ward off the feelings of things being very anti-climactic I have completely warn myself out. I have had two days at home since the delivery and it's starting to drain me. I am an extrovert. I LOVE my friends. They are the highlight of my week and I never get sick of seeing them. It's always been hard for me to put the breaks on and slow down my social life, but even more so right now. I feel like I have reverted back to my high school self who needed to see people all the time and my ability to be content in my own home is not there. Knowing these things doesn't make it easier to change them though. I don't want to stay home. My kids love getting out just as much as I do and it's hard to say no when I know there is something funner to do than sitting at home. So I'm working on that... and thinking it through. I can't believe how emotional I have become either. I could honestly say in the past I was not a crier, but now think I would fall under that category a bit more. I am finding emotions just touch me so much more. Be this pregnancy hormones or lack of sleep I don't know, but I think that I am beginning to like it. I love that things can touch me on a deeper level. I still have a head on my shoulders and I'm not going to get swept away by what I'm feeling, but I think that I'm giving myself the freedom to actually feel them and it's freeing. I think this journey has taught me a lot about the freedom in feelings.

I've been keeping in touch with Ali and Ben, mostly over e-mail. Logan is healthy and growing and they are having a blast showing him off. I love looking at the pictures they post of him. It blesses my heart to see that they are enjoying and loving him SO much. They just beam in the photos. He is such a blessing, all our children are and I feel so honored to have carried him.

I was actually catching up on the blogs that I follow today and it hit me... I miss it. I can't say I miss being pregnant at the moment, but I miss the journey. It had it's ups and downs, but wow it was special. I know there were hard days, but overall it was enjoyable. It makes me want to do it again. :)

After the birth

2010-09-08T09:22:00.000-07:00

I didn't sleep well in the hospital. I was still having major adrenalin rushes and the excitement of the day kept replaying in my mind. My dr had said that he would come in around 8am and release me and so about every 20 minutes throughout the night I would jolt awake and look at the clock thinking oh it's almost 8 o'clock, but then it would be only like 3am ... it was a long night needless to say. I remember hearing Logan crying down the hallway and he sounded so adorable, but the overwhelming feeling for me at that moment was that I was so glad he was with his mom. I had prepared myself to enjoy the recovery without a newborn and I honestly was and still am.

The next morning finally came and my dr released me. My husband came and brought our daughters to meet Logan. I felt like I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I was feeling really great physically and emotionally and I just wanted to get home, rest and spend time with my family. I was curious to see how my girls would respond to Logan, but beyond the usual curiosity of a baby they didn't seem all that fazed by the whole thing. I explained to my 4 year old on the way out that that was the baby that was in my tummy and that it was Ben and Ali's and they were going to take it home. She just responded "I know mom b/c your tummy isn't big anymore." That was it... end of conversation as far as she was concerned. I'm glad she took it so well. My two year old was a bit out of sorts for a couple days, I think mainly from me being gone and messing up our schedule, but she's back to her normal self now. I realized that she is VERY unready to be an older sister and that's just fine with me. haha

Getting home was really nice. I really didn't have a lot of emotions about everything. I had a good cry once I was finally alone, but that was mostly a frp, the feelings of relief and shock that it had finally come to an end. I wasn't sad that I wasn't bringing a baby home or missing the pregnancy. It felt like everything was as it should be.

That same day I got a call from my mom. The blood tests on Logan had come back and he had a positive blood type so I had to come back and get my Rhogam shot (since I was negative). I was more than happy to return. I'm a maternity ward junky haha. I will miss seeing the nurses there and always love catching glimpses of the women coming in to labour or moms with their new babies. It's 'usually' a happy place. So I went back in, got my shot, visited with the nurses for a bit and then went in to see Ben, Ali and baby one more time before they left. I got to hold Logan again and this time I actually felt like I could focus on his face and his little hands and who he looked like. There is no denying the genetics of this baby! He didn't look like any baby that had be born into my family. He wasn't a familiar face. He looked like his dad! :) It was nice to hold him one last time. They were being released the next day and we didn't know if we would get chance to see each other again. I actually prefer "maybe goodbyes" rather than the regular ones. They feel less final and I felt like saying goodbye, maybe we'll see you tomorrow was the perfect kind of closure. It still left us open to seeing each other soon even if it wasn't the next day or even a few months later.

The few days after they left I just kept myself busy. There was so much activity going on towards the end of the pregnancy and knowing my feelings after I had my youngest daughter I felt that if I could keep my mind busy and my days filled with friends and family until I got passed the hormonal stage I would be fine. I can say for the most part it worked. There was one evening, I think it was day 4 after Logan was born. My husband had gotten called into work, my kids were in bed, my friends were all with their families and I felt the familiar feelings of "oh no, I have nothing to do!" creeping up on me. Having something to look forward to really helps so sitting their by myself made me feel vulnerable. I don't know if it was God knowing what I needed or if I just happen to have really great friends who call frequently (probably both), but that night and those feelings passed with random, much needed phone calls from friends. We even started planning our Mexico trip in November (with a group of people) so that gave me some homework to do and a much needed distraction. That feeling hasn't returned and I don't think it will. It's the usual hormonal stage that comes when your body has been through such a dramatic change. I knew it would come and I'm happy it's gone. My milk came in with a vengeance that day as well and for two days I was SORE like never before, but thankfully after 48 hours my body took the hint and started to diminish the supplies. haha It's hard for me not to think of it as a waste, but I am really happy to not be breastfeeding right now.

It is now 6 days after the birth. I am feeling completely healed. My body seems to be returning back to normal faster than I had hoped. I have a client (I'm a doula) who was due yesterday and I am looking forward to sharing that birth with her. There are lots of joys in life and I feel like I am ready to experience them as myself again. I can be a mom, a wife, a daughter and a friend the way I was a year ago and it's nice :) I am SOO happy to have gone through this journey and I am happy now to have completed it. I look forward to watching little Logan grow and I know that he will be enjoyed and loved by his family.

Lots of people ask me if this is something that I would do again. It feels like a really complex question now that we are done. I look back on this journey with fondness and appreciation. I feel so blessed that this was something that we were able to do and yes it came with it's sacrifices, but they are hard to remember already. My husband had a harder time than I did with it. Here he had a wife who was pregnant, but it wasn't accompanied with the same type of joy and excitement that it does when it's his. He had a hard time finding ways to share in this journey. So I guess the answer to that question is maybe. I won't actively search for a couple, but if something came up (just like it did this time) than I would pray about it and of course consult my husband and we would have to see if we felt that was where God was leading us. Who knows what life holds :) I'm excited to find out!!

Logan's birth story continued...

2010-09-06T07:56:00.000-07:00

We arrived at the hospital, did a quick NST before my dr. checked me. I was 4cm and thinned right out! That was good. I had little pain and had made it 1cm more. He administered another half of the gel and I had to wait another hour on the monitors and that horrible bed. The bed feels like a death sentence to me when I'm in labour. I just wanted to get the heck out of there. The contractions started again almost immediately. They were much stronger and probably 3 minutes apart. These ones hurt in all the right places. They wrapped around my back and flowed into the lower part of my uterus. I just realized that I forgot to mention that my mom happened to be working that day!! I loved having her as my nurse. She was such a comfort to me and although I had gotten to know most of the other nurses during my pregnancy and quick visits for NST's I was glad to have her familiar face to see every time we showed up that day. Anyways... back to the story...

They let me off the bed and I was still contracting much stronger. It was starting not to be fun anymore. Walking really brought them on so I sat in the rocking chair in my room for a bit. We waited there for an hour or so and then I decided that I could leave now. We went to my friend Shannon's house for tea and some of our friends met us there. I can not describe to you the comfort of having my close group of friends around me. It feels so natural to have the support of women during labour. I would recommend it to anyone. It took my mind off of what was going on and although I was unable to really visit I was able to just relax and enjoy their company. The pain intensity of the contractions had really picked up and I asked my doula to call my dr and ask when we should come back in for a check. He told us to come in around 6:00pm. I had a goal now. I had to make it until 6:00pm and then we could go. My doula said that she literally watched my eyes glaze over after that. Things had changed. We were in active labour and I finally said I think it's time to go. She says "Ok good!" She was waiting for me to say it and had known it was time.

We arrived at the hospital at around 5:30pm. My dr came up from emerg and checked me. I was 5cm's. Ok that's active labour, but I was thinking I would be more like 6 or 7. Either way we were there to stay. He asked me if I wanted him to rupture my membranes. I said yes, but wasn't very excited about that idea. I knew from my previous births that this would bring the pain on in a whole new way. This was going to get really really painful very soon. We texted Ben and Ali and told them it was time. I called my husband and told him to arrange to get my brother there asap. From the second he broke my water the pain increased DRASTICALLY. We were not messing around anymore. This baby was coming TODAY! I went into the shower right away. The pain was so intense I dreaded each and every contraction. I was surprised how much dialogue I had going on in my head through each contraction. I was trying to use my knowledge to dissect each contraction to see how much more of this I would have to endure.

The feeling behind this birth was obviously different for me than with my own, but I don't think I was prepared for how it would effect me mentally. The motivation was really hard to come by. I knew that I was in this, there was no way out except to walk through this door, but I wasn't feeling joyful about it. It wasn't something I was trying to enjoy like I did with my own babies it was more something I had to endure in order to finish this journey. Honestly I have never felt pain like that before in my life. It had come on SO quickly and SO strong that I didn't have time to adjust and work my way into things. Ali arrived shortly after we texted and she came in and waited with us through each contraction. I had been in the shower for about a half hour when I felt the urge to push. It would go away with each contraction, but it was pretty intense. I didn't want to make the walk to the bed so they tried to check me while I was in the shower. They couldn't feel any cervix left, but once I finally did haul myself out of the shower and to the bed they discovered I was still 8cm. I still had 2 more to go. We were close!! We had gone from 5cm to 8cm in a half hour. I was disappointed b/c I wanted it to all be over, but obviously I had no choice.

I moved to the rocking chair instead of back in the shower. I remember my thoughts through the contractions. I was telling myself "this is as painful as it's going to be. I'm in transition, it won't get worse, I'm almost done..." My husband still hadn't arrived at this point and my mom was on the phone frantically trying to figure out what was going on. My brother still hadn't arrived at our house to watch the girls. He was stuck there!! We really didn't know if he was going to make it. I actually didn't hear a lot of this I was in my own world. I do remember looking up after one contraction and seeing Ali there and she had tears in her eyes. I was happy that I could share this with her, but I hoped she knew that I wasn't sorry we were here. We just had to get through it. We were in the home stretch.

I had about 4 contractions sitting in the rocking chair when all of a sudden things just stopped. I had the most wonderful 8 minute break in between that contraction. I relaxed my whole body and almost fell asleep. I remember thinking "I'm going to pay for this break." Tara (my doula) whispered something to my mom about this being the calm before the pushing. Oh boy was she right! I got the mother of all contractions (which I knew was coming) and an INTENSE urge to push. I could feel the head right there starting to come down. I was scared I wouldn't make it to the bed. I waited for that contraction to end, my mom went and paged my dr over the intercom and rushed around getting the room ready for the delivery. I managed to get on the bed sort of in a hands and knee position. I remember thinking I don't care who is here if I get another contraction I pushing this baby out. My doula had her hands ready (I think she could read my mind) to catch if she had. Thankfully my dr arrived before the next contraction and I laid on my side supporting my body with my arms. I remember saying when I saw him that I didn't want to do this anymore. This is the stage that I always hated. I have no good memories of pushing. Seeing my dr made me realize that this was really happening. CRAP! The next contraction took over my body. My dr had just managed to throw on his gloves and stuff when my body started pushing. He later told me that he had to support the head a bit to stop it from just shooting out my body haha. This is when my husband FINALLY arrived!! I was so relieved to see him. I didn't want him to miss this. I needed to share it with him. The head came out and I had to wait a minute for the next contraction to come and for me to be able to deliver the rest of the baby. That all felt like it took forever, but in actuality from the point that we realized it was time to push to the baby being out was only minutes. That was the BEST BEST BEST feeling in the world!!! We were DONE!! No more pain! No more pushing!! The baby was out!! Ali got the baby handed to her and my dr cut the cord. They wiped the baby down in her arms and my mom announced "It's a boy!!!" They took Ali and baby out to the nursery to meet Ben and check little Logan over.

I can't tell you how much of a relief it was to be done. I have never felt better in my life. I delivered the placenta was told that I had no tares and settled back to rest and wait for Ali and Ben to bond with baby and for Ali to try breastfeeding for the first time. My brother came in to say congratulations and give me a hug and we all just rejoiced in that room together. It was over!

Ali and Ben then came in and let me hold Logan. It was weird seeing him for the first time. I didn't feel that connection that this was him. He had been inside me this whole time, but he wasn't familiar to me. This was their baby! Ali walked in looking like a mother. She had such peace on her face and it felt like friends introducing me to their baby for the first time. I held him for a few minutes and then handed him back to his mom. I remember Ben was beaming from ear to ear, the vision of a proud father. Everyone said their goodbyes and Ben and Ali went to their room to get settled in. My husband went to get me some food and I had the most amazing shower. From the time they broke my water to baby being out was exactly 1 hour 7 minutes. It had felt like triple that to me, but am so thankful that it wasn't. It was INTENSE and very painful, but fast. I'm glad that everyone was able to make it and SOOO glad that it was over. I got admitted to my room and almost immediately I had groups of my wonderful friends show up. We all just sat in my room talked, shed a few tears, opened gifts. They got to go over and hold Logan quickly and give their congratulations to the parents. It was so amazing to have so many women surrounding me, giving me their love and support and to be able to share with them the events of the day. It just felt so good to be me again!

I will end the story here for now... I will continue with the feelings and events of after the birth in a bit... :)

Logan's Birth Story

2010-09-05T19:50:00.000-07:00

Wow it felt weird to type that title. It still hasn't hit me that there was a little boy inside my body that whole time and now his name is Logan Dexter and he's happily at home with his parents. This last two weeks have been such a whirlwind it's really taking awhile to absorb it all. This is going to be a long post and I may have to do it in sections. I want to share all the feelings and events that occurred before the actual birth of Logan began.

The last post I shared was the day that Ben and Ali arrived. It felt like a milestone to make it to that day and I was on an emotional high. We had a busy few days of dr's apt's, an ultrasound, NST's and then the big get together for my friends to meet Ben and Ali. I saw my dr. on Friday (5 days before the due date) and he swept my membranes. This gave me mild cramping and spotting all that day and night. I was hoping to go into labour at our "Meet the parents BBQ" but that didn't happen. My dr and I had agreed that we would do one more sweep the next day just to try and get things going if I didn't start labour that night. At this point all the key players were here and we were all anxious to get things going. I went into emerg at 8:00 that morning (where my dr. was working for the day) and he checked and excitingly I had gone from barely 1cm to almost 3cm overnight without any pain! I was so excited. He swept my membranes again and then sent me to maternity for another NST. Baby was happy in there and responding really well to the contractions I was having. The 2nd sweep had really helped the contractions pick up and I was starting to think I was in labour. I called everyone on the way home and invited them to my house to wait and see if we would have a baby that day. By the time I got home I was convinced that yes this was the day. The contractions were coming frequently and were getting more intense. I jumped in the shower while I waited for Ben, Ali and my doula to arrive. Unfortunately the shower really slowed things down. I was still getting contractions, but they weren't very regular or painful. We started to try a few different techniques for getting early labour going. We walked, rocked on the ball, tried some homeopathic remedy's for speeding up labour, but none of those stopped labour nor brought it on any stronger. By this time it was 5:00pm and I was starting to get discouraged. My dr's wife (she's a friend) called to see how things were going and my dr happened to be home for a quick bite to eat as well. I talked to him and we agreed to meet on maternity in a half an hour to get a check and see if we could rupture my membranes. I can't remember the timing of the contractions at that point, but I know emotionally I was starting to get discouraged and wonder if I was actually in labour.

We arrived at the hospital, did a quick NST on baby (who was doing great) and then got checked again. I was so disappointed to hear that I was still not quite 3cm's. I was a little bit more thinned out, but he couldn't rupture my membranes since I wasn't in active labour and we didn't want to risk not going into labour and having to get induced or worse have a c-section. He told us to walk around for an hour and see if things picked up and he would come back to see us. It was during that wait that I realized this was not it. It was around 7:30pm at that point so it had been a long day of waiting and watching. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself and starting to get quite stressed out with the whole thing. I felt responsible to get things going, but I just couldn't, nor would I be able to until my body was ready on it's own. I realized that I did not want to relive this scenario again and I would not call anyone that early again. We would KNOW I was in labour the next time we decided to wait together. We went and hung out with friends that night and relaxed and I continued to have stronger contractions, but felt them getting more and more spaced out. I knew I would be getting sleep that night and I was kind of glad that we could just put this to rest for a bit. I agreed to meet my dr. on maternity the next morning at 8:00am while he was doing his rounds. We wanted to keep an eye on how things were going and make sure baby was tolerating everything that was going on. He checked me again and not only was I still almost 3cm's, but my cervix had actually gotten a bit thicker. Ok great I was going backwards! He did one more sweep of my membranes, but that didn't even give me cramping this time. I felt like it was time to call it quits and just let nature take it's course. The membrane sweeps had done all they could at this point. We agreed to meet at the hospital again the next morning and check progress and baby one more time. I think we were all feeling the pressure and making sure baby was fine with everything going on was really important to us all. We were only 3 days until the due date and in my pregnancy history I had never made it past this point so we were all surprised when not only did we make it past the Monday morning NST, but also to my regular dr's apt on Wednesday. He told me that if he had bet on this delivery he would have lost a lot of money. We were all so sure I was going to deliver early and now it was my due date! I have never made it to my due date let alone past! It was a weird feeling and I couldn't help but feel very conscious of the fact that Ben and Ali had now been here for a week.

That Wednesday morning visit I didn't even bother getting a cervical check. I knew I wasn't dilated any more. I hadn't had a contraction since Monday. My dr excused himself to call the OB and discuss with him about another biophysical and when he came back I was more than a little surprised to hear the words "We would like to induce you tomorrow. How would you feel about that?" I NEVER thought I would have those words spoken to me so it took me a bit to digest that. My mind filled with all the information that I know about induction and I knew that there were places that this could go that I wasn't willing to. He wanted to use the Cintocin gel on my cervix and was very confident that that would be enough to send me into active labour. My cervix was very favorable and this was my third time being pregnant. There was no need to worry that we would be introducing pitocin into the mix. We were all concerned that the stress and pressure (which I was putting on myself) to deliver this baby wasn't helping and since they were thinking it would be a small baby it would be best to deliver now while he was still tolerating things instead of waiting for him to show signs of distress. I agreed and we set the date! September 2nd would be the birthday!! I went up to maternity for one more NST and left knowing that baby was happy in there for one more day. I called Ben and Ali and gave them the news that they would be parents tomorrow! That was a fun call :) I heard the light in Ali's voice and I couldn't help but get excited too.

I have never been induced or known the date of delivery before the actual labour began. I felt calm and good about it for most of the day and then it all just hit me. Oh my goodness I had to go through labour tomorrow!! ACK!!! I wasn't ready all of a sudden. Thankfully I was at our women's book club when this epiphany hit me and I was so grateful to have their support and love. We all held hands and they prayed for me and the safe delivery of this baby. They prayed that angels would surround me and be with me during this event and that God would bring me peace. It still brings tears to my eyes remembering their support and prayer that night. I really needed them. This was never something I knew I could do on my own and my friends are so important to me. They have been through this whole journey with me and were all emotionally invested. I left that night exhausted and ready to go home and have a "good" nights sleep before I had to face my fears. Surprisingly I did sleep very well that night and woke up feeling ready to do this.

My husband agreed to stay home with our kids until I was in active labour and Ben and Ali agreed to come then as well. I met my doula at the hospital at 7:45am to begin the NST and get the gel put in. I didn't know how I was feeling at this point. Scared, but accepting of the inevitable. First the OB checked me (you need to have the agreement of two dr's in order to induce someone in our hospital). He agreed that yes induction was a good choice and recommended that my dr. only use half a thing of the gel since my cervix was so favorable. My dr agreed and went ahead and administered it. It worked within 10-15 minutes and I began contracting stronger than I had in this pregnancy yet. They call these cinto contractions b/c they come on a bit stronger at first (from the cintocin hormone) and then usually slow down and regulate themselves a bit more naturally. I had to lay in that bed getting monitored for an hour and then we were free to leave and told to return in 4 hours to see how things had progressed. My doula and I went for a nice walk outside. It was the first sunny day in days and it was so refreshing and relaxing. We went to her house and invited friends to come for lunch. The time just flew by and before I knew it it was 1:00pm and time to return to the hospital. I was contracting frequently, but knew I wasn't in active labour yet. I could still carry on a normal conversation and was having too much fun for it to be active labour.

I am going to take a break and continue in a bit... this post is getting really long :)

IT'S A BOY!!!

2010-09-03T10:43:00.000-07:00

Precious little Logan was born September 2nd (1 day overdue) and weighed in at 6lbs15oz. I know I may be a bit biased, but he is seriously once of the cutest little boys ever!!

Exactly what has transpired in the last couple days is just starting to sink in now. It felt so surreal during the delivery and hospital stay and now that I am home and digesting everything I can't seem to do much but sit here completely shocked that it's all over. I'm SOOO relieved that it's done and I have my body back, but at the same time I am sad. Actually at this moment I can't seem to stop crying... it's good. It's tears of relief and joy and peace. It feels cleansing to just let it all out. Everything went so well and it turned out exactly as we all prayed it would and I am so glad that we went through this journey. I feel like I am myself again and it feels SO great, but very strange at the same time.

I am going to write the birth story in a day or two, but for now I just wanted to share the exciting news and let everyone know that mom and dad and baby are doing amazing and I feel really really awesome. I didn't tare so I feel like I don't really have much healing to do. I'm home already and happy to be with my husband and two girls.

Here is a picture taken this morning (Sept. 3rd) of my family visiting with little Logan. This was the first time my girls had met him and I don't know if they knew exactly what to think.

39 weeks and they are coming TODAY!!!

2010-08-25T10:05:00.000-07:00

Today is the day!! Woo! I'm so excited and relieved to have made it to this point. We no longer have to worry about Ben and Ali missing the birth (unless I happen to give birth in the next 4 hours which is not seeming very likely). I feel like I can relax and enjoy the rest of the pregnancy and their visit while they are here. We have a busy rest of the week planned and as ready as I am to get this show going I kind of hope that (s)he waits until Saturday... or at least Friday night. Thursday we have the biophysical which will be fun. I'm so curious what they say about the baby's size. This is the 2nd ultrasound that Ali and Ben have been able to attend. Then right after that my mom, who is a maternity nurse and has also had extra training in breastfeeding, is giving me, Ali, my doula client (who is due 6 days after me) and my doula (who is currently nursing), a crash course in breastfeeding. I am SOO looking forward to this! I love learning! No I won't be breastfeeding this time around, but it will give me some useful tools in helping my doula clients learn to breastfeed and get a good latch in the future. Then Friday we have another dr's apt... hoping to get my membranes stripped, another NST right after and then that evening a party for a few of my friends to meet Ali and Ben for the first time. I REALLY don't want to miss any of those events!! So I'm hoping this baby hangs in there until then. Anyone who knows me knows that I would do anything to attend any sort of social event and this one sounds even funner than usual. :)

I have been feeling some stirrings within my body of things to come. I have been having cramping and some braxton hicks that feel more like real contractions, but so far nothing has changed. I went to the dr. on Monday on the verge of calling Ben and Ali to come only to have him check me and find out that I was not dilating yet and my cervix is still posterior. He was pretty sure I had another 2 days in me. That set my nerves at ease and we agreed that they would wait until the previously agreed upon date. I have found it so nerve wracking knowing that they are so far away. I couldn't help but read into every little twinge that I felt b/c I knew that the only chance they had of not missing the birth if this baby decided to come early, was if I recognized the early signs of labour. Thankfully since yesterday I have had little to no uterine activity (for once) and we have all been able to rest easy and know that they were very likely going to make it. This is our last week (I HOPE) and that means that the baby really could come any time. Both my daughters were early (one 5 days and the other 3 days early) so going overdue would be a new (and somewhat unwelcome) experience haha.

It has finally sunk in that this is actually happening. Feeling the cramping and braxton hicks has really got me excited to experience a labour and delivery again and although my husband and I aren't preparing for a baby we are still preparing for a birth. The waiting game at the end is SOO much fun! :) I'm excited to share this with Ben and Ali when they get here. I hope we can go and do a bit of baby shopping just to get the full experience of the final days. I still can't believe that we are finally here!! Thinking back to the first conversation with Ali and then telling friends and family and actually going through the hormones and transfer just seem so far away. We were looking at this point as a possible future outcome and praying it would happen, but really having no idea if it actually would. It has happened and we are almost done and it really blows my mind. God is so good!! It has been such a blessing to be able to join in this experience and soon welcome Ben and Ali's baby into this world. I have felt since about a year after I delivered my first daughter that this was something that I was called to do. God put the desire in my heart and this whole process has been in his hands from before we even knew it was beginning. From how we were able to meet to the moment Ali receives her little one in her arms and we hear that glorious first cry. It's blessings upon blessings that years cannot forget and I'm so thankful!!

I will keep everyone updated and post one final belly shot the day we go into labour. I can't wait!!

38 1/2 weeks! Only 1 1/2 left to go!

2010-08-13T16:25:00.000-07:00

We are in the home stretch!! It literally could be any day from now to 10 days after our due date (which WON'T happen!!!) I am remembering exactly what the last couple weeks entails and it's making me excited. The braxton hicks are a constant companion which I completely expected. They feel really strange b/c the baby's bum sticks out further than anything else so when I get some tightening my belly gets SUPER lopsided. It will be interesting to see what it looks like with real contractions. I think I have been saying to my husband almost everyday for the last 3 or 4 days that I am feeling strange today. I can't seem to pinpoint what it is, but I can just tell my body is priming itself for the major event it's about to undergo. It's really really hard not to read into every little twinge or pain. Is it the baby moving or is that cramping?? I can't tell where one begins and the other ends. Is it my uterus or my bowels?? My whole insides feel like they are all twisted and intertwined with eachother and I can't tell where each sensation is coming from. If the parents were here I really wouldn't be focusing on the little things nearly as much b/c when the baby comes doesn't really matter. Right now if I miss the early warning signs it would very likely mean the difference between them being here for the birth and missing it. They get here in 4 short days so we won't have to worry about that for very much longer.

The busy time of pregnancy has started once again. I enjoy this part :) I have a non-stress test every Friday until the baby is here (unless we go overdue then I have two a week). I have a dr's apt. once a week and we are also having a biophysical done on the baby. A biophysical is really just more of an in depth ultrasound. It gives us a better idea of how my cervix and amniotic fluid are holding up and gives a better estimate for the size of the baby. So far my dr. is still thinking under 7lbs. The NST I just had yesterday wasn't exactly stellar. They like to see lots of fluctuation in the heart rate as well as a good solid baseline. The baby had the baseline, but little to no fluctuations even while it was moving. Finally after turning onto my left side and not having it improve I ate a cookie my doula had brought for me and WOW did that do the trick! Their baby went CRAZY! We could barely get the heart rate it was moving so much. Thankfully the rest of the strip looked good and they sent me home, but it was enough to get me thinking that if we got another flat strip like that they probably wouldn't let us go overdue. Flat NST's can be a sign that baby isn't loving it in there and would probably be happier on the outside. If I could chose the delivery day I would pick August 28th (I no longer want to wait until my birthday on the 30th). We are having a get together with my friends and the baby's parents on Friday the 27th and I have decided that it would be just great to go into labour at the party, but not so intense that I couldn't still enjoy myself. All the key players will be there, my husband, our doula, baby's parents, my dr. (he's a friend of ours)... so we would be set!

It's the most surreal feeling right now. It seems weird to even talk about a delivery. We aren't preparing for a baby to come, our lives really aren't changing along with this major life event, but as I feel my body preparing more and more it has started to feel more real. I am still having a hard time puting feelings to this experience. I think that I am excited, but other than that I don't feel a lot right now. I will be interested myself to see how I am during and afterwards. I really have no idea what it will be like. Right now the experience isn't connecting in my head. Maybe when Ben and Ali get here it will be different. Sorry if that was confusing... I have a hard time understanding it myself.

SO all in all still good :) Pray that this baby waits atleast until it's parents get here on the 25th.

Time is slowing down...

2010-08-08T21:30:00.000-07:00

I was hoping this wouldn't happen, but sort of figured it would. I think it's because we are getting so close and I've become a little obsessed with the countdown. It's not that I'm DIEING to be done this pregnancy I think it's more that there is an exciting event on the horizon. There is something to countdown to and now that we are so close the reality is setting in and I'm realizing that it's going to be awesome. Regardless of how the delivery goes (which I think will be beautiful and much like my last two) this is an amazing event! I am starting to feel the effects of being 9 months pregnant. I am fighting a daily battle with water retention and my body can't see to decide if I'm winning or loosing. I seem to go from piglet toes to normal in about 10 minutes and then back again. I actually find swelling to be one of the most uncomfortable symptoms of pregnancy. It makes me feel less like myself and more like a whale trying to move around on land. I can hear it in my voice sometimes too. It's the pregnant women voice that some people get. It sounds like swollen lips that cause some sort of a lisp mixed with breathlessness. I'm also getting indigestion and heartburn. Nothing to complain about, but just a reminder of what we've got going on here. If I eat too much I pay for it for about 4 hours. I feel soooo full and can't catch my breath and then I get indigestion and once it's started to digest, the heartburn comes. I try to lay down and stretch my body out as much as I can so that there's more room for my body to do what it needs doing, but that only helps so much and laying down isn't really that awesome since the food tries to make it's way back up. The weird thing is I never know what too much is going to be. Sometimes I can eat a lot and not feel it and then other times I'll indulge in a freezie and that will push me over the edge. It's weird...

I'm really not complaining. I know that these are all symptoms of pregnancy and they really aren't that bad. I can live with them. It's all just part of the experience and again this is exactly what I signed up for. One of my clients (I'm a doula) just went into pre-term labour and delivered a baby at 33 weeks. That has really put everything into perspective for me. We have been so blessed with a healthy pregnancy. We are literally weeks away and everything is pointing to a normal healthy delivery and baby. We really couldn't have asked for a better journey.

Anyways, here are some updated pics. I'm feeling baby in every spot on this belly. It's running out of room in there. Thankfully it won't need much more since we only have 3 weeks to go. I was looking at my pictures from 13 weeks pregnant and I can't even imagine looking like that again!! It blows my mind. I feel so large and round and I really can't see past the belly into the future of normalcy again. It's weird to imagine it... actually I can't imagine it. I'm excited to experience it again though :D

36 week photo's ... finally :)

2010-08-05T09:27:00.001-07:00

No bare belly shots... I think it looks weird on me haha. I think that I am carrying pretty low which is fine. More comfortable than carrying high I think. Less baby in the stomach, ribs and lungs. More room for food and oxygen. I also feel like I have plateaued in belly growth in the last few weeks. I am still growing and baby is still growing, but not at an alarming rate. I have a friend who is due 6 days after me and it feels like every time I see her she has visibly grown whereas I can't tell that I've changed. As long as baby is fine I really don't mind. Less belly to loose afterwards. I have been feeling really good lately as well. Staying cool by eating ice, swimming at the lake and using our fans and the swelling really hasn't been an issue too much yet. Some days are worse than others. I can still wear my rings so that's nice! I have gotten my pregnancy induced carpel tunnel back... which kind of sucks. I had it for the last 3 months with my first pregnancy and it was miserable and very painful, but this time it isn't nearly as bad. I can put my arms above my head when I'm laying down and feel my arms and hands return to normal. Basically it's a farely healthy normal pregnancy. I'm happy with how things are going and I can't wait for things to start happening. I'm no longer feeling scared about the delivery just excited to experience it again. Ali and Ben will be getting here so soon and that's something to look forward to!! :D

36 weeks!!!

2010-08-03T13:32:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of posts in the last few weeks. Summer is so busy and we have just been on a whole slew of holidays that have kept us having fun and out of the house. We just spent 4 days at a house on the edge of Slave Lake and it was one of the best camping trips I have ever been on. Just such an awesome time spent with my husband, kids and friends. I have come home feeling absolutely rejuvenated and thankful for life. It has hit me lately that the countdown is on! Ali and Ben will be getting her in 3 weeks to await the arrival of their baby which I am hoping will come farely close, if not a tad earlier than the due date. It's only 4 weeks away!! I really can't believe how fast this last 10 weeks has gone. I'm hoping that the last 4 will go by just as fast, but in the same breath I really don't want to wish away the summer. I have been enjoying this pregnancy for the most part and even with the heat of summer I have come to conclusion that summer is an AWESOME time to be pregnant. I never tan as well as I do when I'm pregnant and I with all the family, friends and fun that come along with summer there really hasn't been any time to think about the discomforts of pregnancy. I don't know if it's b/c it's not my baby, but this summer I have felt that the countdown didn't take as excruciatingly long to get through as it did during the winter months. I am a little sad to realize that I may have just returned home from my last camping trip until after their baby is born. I guess it's only a short time and I will be fine, but it kind of feels like summer is being pried from my grips and Autumn is close on my heels.... I'm NOT a fall person and even less of a winter person. Again I ask myself WHY do I live in NORTHERN BC?!?!?!

News on the baby front is good. We have what I am assuming is our last ultrasound on August 5th. This one will be with the OB and act as our final checkup with him before delivering. I am confident that they will find everything is in tip top shape and if there is any surprises to be found we are close enough to the end that delivery would be a safe option. I'm excited to come home with some more photo's for the baby book that his/her mom is making. Next week we begin our weekly dr's visits and I "get" to have the dreaded Group B strep. swab done then as well. This swab is my all time least favorite test out there. It's similar to a pap, but for some reason makes me nauseous with apprehension at the thought of getting it done. For those of you who haven't had this lovely experience basically what they do is swab the area around the rectum and vagina for a bacteria that can be harmful to the baby. If the woman delivering is positive for this bacteria they need to be given antibiotics during labour to help protect the baby from any complications that could arise if they were to get the bacteria transmitted to them during the delivery. 10-30% of pregnant women carry this bacteria and it doesn't effect them. I have been negative with my past two pregnancy's, but that doesn't mean it won't be positive now so I know it's important to get I'm just REALLY not looking forward to it.

Anyways, I'll write another post after my ultrasound and dr's visits to update on the baby's status and I have found my camera so I will really try and remember to take another picture today. I have been forgetting that lately.

34 weeks!

2010-07-24T07:17:00.000-07:00

Sorry I have been slacking on the blogging front. It's summer and we just got back from a week long family holiday so I guess I have a good excuse. I'm actually a little annoyed at myself for not writing last week b/c now I have to catch up.

At week 33 we had a dr's apt. Everything is looking wonderful. Baby looks happy, but small... a healthy small. My dr estimates somewhere between 6 and 7lbs. My mom (the maternity nurse who works with my dr.) laughs b/c he is ALWAYS giving estimates. He'll guess on baby size, on the estimated date of arrival and even the labour and delivery length once it's started, but the nice thing about him is that he is right more often than he's wrong. He is guessing that the baby will be somewhere around 3 days late and I am committed to proving him wrong in any way I can haha. I have never delivered a baby late and it would be nice not to start now. So we'll have to wait and see. Some other great news that we got was that baby is head down!! At our previous apt. the baby was transverse to breach and so for the last 4 weeks I had been thinking I had a round little baby head sticking into my right rib, but as it turns out it was a hard little baby bum instead! Such great news since a c-section would be less than ideal and attempting a breach delivery is just too too dangerous for the baby and not something I'm willing to try. My blood pressure is cooperating as well at a nice and low 96/64. I always have low blood pressure so this is very normal for where I am usually at. I am starting to swell, but that's understood at this stage of the summer and pregnancy. Basically all our fears were put to rest at that apt. Not breach, not a big baby and seemingly very healthy on all fronts. I have an ultrasound and a visit with the OB coming up in the next couple weeks just to double check, but he says that is a formality and probably not necessary since everything is looking very low risk. All those included are relieved and I'm happy b/c I get my summer and there won't be any need to be attending the 3 apt's a week like we had initially thought.

The baby's parents just went through a massive move from one end of one province to the edge of the next one over. This unfortunately doesn't bring us any closer (distance wise) but luckily for us we happened to be holidaying only an hour from their new home! We got to go and see their new house and neighbourhood and I had a blast seeing all the things Ali has ready for the baby. It was so much fun!! I had really been feeling disconnected in the last couple weeks mainly b/c of the move and the difficulty in communicating when there is a major transition like that. I was starting to focus more and more inwardly and less on what we were really doing here and why. It makes a world of difference to be able to communicate again and that visit just really brightened the next few weeks for me. I am really excited to have them come up and await the birth of their baby together. I haven't felt any sadness in thinking about the upcoming delivery. I feel like I am ready to see the end, not necessarily b/c the end of pregnancy has it's own challenges, but mainly b/c I know they are SO excited and I can't wait to share that with them. It feels like the end of this journey and what we have all been working towards has been a long time coming and I am so excited to see this through. I feel like the timing couldn't be better. We have 6 weeks left and I'm ready to watch the weeks fly by as they have been doing so far... at least for me (most of the time). :)

So all in all things are really going great. I am still super hormonal and I my husband is looking forward to not having to deal with that pretty soon, but other than that I don't think we could have asked for a better journey than the one we have gotten so far.

I will post a belly pic later today.

32 weeks!

2010-07-06T09:38:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that we only have 8 weeks left!! We can say that we are now 8 months pregnant and that just sounds insane! haha :) How did we get here.

Everything has been going pretty well so far. I have still managed to avoid starting the NST's, ultrasounds and frequent dr's visits, but I think that will all change as of next week. As far as I can tell the baby is pretty much consistently in the breach position now (although yesterday (s)he reverted back to the tranverse position for the afternoon). This is most of the time really comfortable, but every once in awhile the baby floats high enough to have it's head sit underneath my right rib and rib and baby contact isn't ever an awesome thing. If I had to guess I would say that the baby is probably in the complete breach position with the knees bent and the legs pointed down. I say this b/c I feel the majority of kicks down in my pelvis, but they are mostly fluttering and only if I lay on my side (giving him/her a little more room) are the kicks strong enough to hurt. My youngest daughter was breach until 33 1/2 weeks so I'm not worried. This baby still has lots of time to turn. Fingers crossed :)

My hormones are going insane. They are by far stronger than I have had in my previous pregnancy's. Not sure if this is b/c we started this process using hormone supplements and thus triggering my body to stay at a higher level or if it's just b/c every pregnancy is different, but either way I am feeling them. I have never been a crazy pregnant woman before so this is all new territory for me haha. Recognizing that my feelings can not be trusted has really helped in my day to day management of them, but it doesn't really help those feelings go away. I find myself irritable and weepy over the most ridiculous things. Thankfully I have more days of normal me than I do of crazy me and our summer is booking up fast so I'm sure the last 8 weeks will just fly by. I'm realizing that summer is a great time to be pregnant. Yes it's hot, but there is so much to do and so little time to dwell on the time that's ticking by. I'm hoping that before we all know it Ali and Ben will have their baby in their arms :)

Baby moving!

2010-06-26T21:32:00.001-07:00

I have been trying to get a video of the baby moving for SOO long and today I think I finally got a good enough one to post. Look to the direct right of my belly button and you'll see part of the baby kind of pop out. :)

Sorry for the noisey background. I was just laying there watching tv when it started to move and all I could think is GRAB THE CAMERA! haha

Hormones do funny things.

2010-06-25T23:10:00.000-07:00

After my last post, which turned out to be a really long rendition of how emotionally unstable I was that week, I discovered something. My hormones have changed!! I should have seen it! I feel like I am pretty intune with my body, but hindsight is 50/50 right. The tears, the body image issues, the hot flashes (which I thought was the hot summer getting to me), the complete lack of control over my emotions, the nausea (which felt like morning sickness starting all over again and I forgot to include in my last post) all add up now. I should have seen it and thanks to my doula I am now on the same page as my body. It honestly felt like I was on birth control and now that my body has adjusted I can look back and see the changes that I was going through. I am less of a bear (which I'm sure my family is thankful for), the nausea is gone, I was cold today(!!!), I am totally and completely fine being pregnant again and my hips have started to hurt. The hip ache is actually what convinced me. My body is starting to get ready to give birth. I'm not sure what hormones changed, but my bet is that amongst the other female hormones flowing through my body, the relaxin has definately increased. When I lay or sit for too long it takes a bit to get up and get those hips moving. I was wondering when this was going to begin.

This is such welcome news! I feel like myself again and I can go back to looking at life through rose coloured glasses. If there is one thing that this pregnancy has taught me it is that hormones control EVERYTHING! And when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING!! From appetite, to sleep cycles, to emotions to body temp. It's ridiculous haha. So the next time I start sounding like a lunatic on here please someone remind me that I am a complete utter mess of hormones and I should probably just go have a nap.

30 weeks!

2010-06-23T14:18:00.000-07:00

I know I have said it again and again so I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record. I really want this blog to be real. I don't want to sugar coat my feelings b/c I'm worried about who might read it. There is never any question in my mind that I am more than glad about where we all are right now, but I do have my days and in this instance, my week of struggles. For some reason week 29 was a difficult one and I am quite relieved that we have reached week 30 and I don't have to relive it ever again. I don't know what set me off, but it pushed me over the edge and I had sort of a mini meltdown. I'm not a crier in the least so to push me to the point of tears is not something that happens often.

I think there were probably a few things that just seemed to pile up all at once. I started to feel uncomfortable in this pregnancy for the first time and although I knew it was coming I guess I still wasn't prepared when it did. It was so hot and it was making my feet and hands start to swell. I couldn't help but feel discouraged that this is what my summer was going to be like. I LOVE summer and I was bummed that I wasn't going to enjoy it this year and that I would be wishing it away, especially since we get so few summer months here in Northern BC. Then there was the growing belly and the baby's position. I have carried a child every which way before, but never transverse and this is a whole nother ball game. It actually defy's logic. Why would a baby chose to lay along the smallest possible area in there when there is so much more room if "she" would just stretch out lengthwise with my body. There was baby where I didn't even know baby could be. Is there even uterus that far towards my sides??? Apparently there is b/c I'm feeling a head. I was just feeling very very full of baby. Every once in awhile "his" head will float into a breach position and it gives me a little reprieve and surprisingly it always happens when I am driving... not sure why. I feel like this baby is trying to bust out my sides. I guess "she" is very anxious to be home with "her" parents, but hopefully "he" decides to a. not bust out of anything and b. stay in there a little while longer.

I have also been having a difficult time accepting that I am "loosing" my body to pregnancy. I haven't been as attached to this pregnancy for obvious reasons and so I have found that I have been really holding onto what part is still me. Looking at my body right now what I see is all the work that I have ahead of me to get myself back to where I want to be. It's not just the belly that grows, it's the love handles, the thighs, the butt, the arms, the face... basically anything that can grow will grow. I can try to ignore it right now, but that doesn't take it away. This is normal for me in pregnancy and I expected it, but I guess I didn't quite realize how much harder it would be to except this time. I am not a "momma to be" I am still just Brandi. It's very different. I have ordered a colourful hospital gown to wear while I am in labour and for a lot of people that seemed like a waste of money, but for me it kind of symbolized how I feel. This will be me as a women in labour not a mother. And when this baby no longer inhabits my body I will still just be me. I won't have a life altering position to play for this child. I will be going back to life as usual and unfortunately I will be bringing my over sized body and jelly belly with me. I'm well within the boundaries of healthy weight gain during this pregnancy, but it's still weight gain and it still changes how I look.

All of those things just seemed to pile on top of me at once and I was feeling like this last 10 weeks was going to last FOREVER. I was ready to be done and I knew that I wouldn't be for another 2 1/2 months. I wanted to jump into my skinny jeans or put on a cute summer dress and go to the beach. I wanted to feel like me again.

Laying there in bed I finally succumbed to these feelings that had been plaguing me all week and I had a good cry. My poor husband didn't know what to do with me, but thankfully he just hugged me and reminded me of how beautiful he thinks I am and reminded me of all the fun things we are going to do this summer that will make time just whiz by. I was not wishing away the pregnancy, but wishing away the time and he reminded me that these next few weeks are going to be awesome and that I really didn't want to do that.

I woke up the next morning feeling SOOO much better. Yes the baby is still transverse, but I have decided to enjoy feeling that little head poking out my side instead of groan and I am just going to dip my feet in cool water (or my whole body if need be) when I'm too warm or extra swollen. I'm going to get lots of foot rubs from my hubby and just enjoy knowing that I don't have to do anything to fix my body right now. I will get back to my normal self. I've done it two other times. I am eating healthy and doing everything I can right now to make my job easier when I'm done and that's all I can do. I can't obsess about what I look like right now. I need to be thankful that God has decided to allow us to grow this precious life and remember that this really isn't about me. Yes I have thoughts and feelings and they are important, but there is a bigger picture and I can't forget that. I feel much much better about things. I am back to my usual self and I am enjoying this heat (and the breeze haha) and this journey. It was just a little bump in the road. I never even for a second regretted this decision. I never will! But I did for a few days wish that it didn't take so long. I know growing human beings (optimally) takes 9 months and that's what we all signed up for and once again I am excited that we are officially at 30 weeks and wow what a great point to reach. :) 30 weeks is a blessing beyond words. There are people who don't make it to this stage and it's so scary and can be so devastating. I'm so greatful that neither us nor Ali and Ben have to face that reality. I am thankful for where we are :)

29 weeks!

2010-06-16T08:20:00.000-07:00

We are almost to the 30 week landmark!! 30 weeks is when we can (pretty much) start counting down in single digits. It's also when things most likely begin to get uncomfortable, but that just means baby is getting bigger and preparing for his/her arrival.

I had a dream about their baby last night. I remember it perfectly. It was a boy, dark hair, really small, but he was wearing overalls and a green shirt... not sure where that outfit came from. I've never seen a baby come into the world fully clothed before haha. I also got told that our due date was pushed to September 28th instead of September 1st which makes me really question the validity of this dream haha. This is coming from the women who dreamt that my oldest daughter was an Eskimo boy and I kept forgetting her everywhere around town. It was quite inaccurate considering I had a little blond hair, blue eyed baby girl.

So we had a dr's apt. yesterday and everything looks absolutely wonderful with their baby. The baby is laying transverse across my belly which I didn't realize, but now that I know of course I'm feeling like my sides are busting out. I'm thinking it's all in my head and am trying to ignore it. "He" is more head down than head up so hopefully "she" just steadily moves head down more and more as the weeks progress. It's still early so we aren't worried about baby's positioning quite yet. The transverse position has however made me measure at about 24 weeks gestation instead of the 29 that we are. This is nothing to be alarmed about. He isn't worried, it's normal. I'm sure the fundal height will balance out once "he" is head down and if it doesn't that's actually farely normal for me. I measured 4 weeks too small for my dates with my last pregnancy and she was exactly the same size as her sister who measured normally. Fundal height isn't very accurate.

We got good variability with the heartbeat again this time. It was an average of about 152 beats per minute which is a good healthy number and the dr. even felt some nice strong movements from "her". Since everything is going so well he has decided to postpone the onslaught of NST's, ultrasounds and dr's apt's. He will see how the next 4 weeks go and then decide what course of action to take. I haven't had any more cramping and the braxton hicks are very irregular. I can go a day without getting a single one so it looks like my uterus is pretty inactive which is nice to see. So all in all a great apt and one the parents can be happy with. :)

Early bird braxton hicks and 28 weeks

2010-06-06T16:21:00.000-07:00

Oh the braxton hicks! They're back! I feel like I have to share at least a portion of my last experience with these suckers for people to understand why I am somewhat dreading their return.
I never had any with my first pregnancy, or at least none that I could tell. The close personal relationship with these things came with my second pregnancy. I started getting them at about 34 weeks. They started infrequently and not very regular, but by 36 weeks they had started to come every second day, 5 minutes apart like clock work. I know 36 weeks is too early to have a baby, but it's not unheard of so I was a little worried that this was a sign that I was starting to get ready for the delivery, especially since with my first birth my body didn't mess around. When I had uterine activity it was b/c I was in labour. After about a week of sitting there timing "contractions" day after day I asked (begged) my dr. to do a cervical check. Thankfully he reported that no there was no change in my cervix, but did request weekly NST's (non stress tests) at the hospital from that point on. He wanted to make sure baby was still happy in there with all the activity going on. The news that no I wasn't delivering this child yet allowed me to go another couple weeks not focusing on these annoying, but useless contractions and just live my life. Ignoring them was easier said then done since they were still coming every 5 minutes apart 12 hours at a time and would take my breath away with every one. Finally at about 38 1/2 weeks I thought for sure I was in labour. The braxton hicks were getting stronger and they were so frequent that I figured they HAD to be doing something. My mom works in maternity so that evening when she was working I slipped into the hospital to get her to check everything out. They started out with the NST and based on the contractions it looked like I was in the early stages of labour. There was a lot of activity, but after getting her co-worker to check my cervix they gave me the news that not only was I not softened, dilated or effaced, but they couldn't even reach my cervix yet! It was still posterior!! I couldn't believe it!! I only had 1 1/2 weeks until my due date and although I was still enjoying being pregnant, sleeping well, completely comfortable, I was just flabbergasted that nothing was happening! To make a long story short I continued to have these braxton hicks until the day my dr. stripped my membranes. I was barely even one cm. dilated at that point, but at least my body was getting something done. That membrane strip put an end to the braxton hicks for a whole day and at 7pm I got my first real contraction of the pregnancy. I went into the hospital at about 12:30am and delivered my 2nd baby girl at 3:25am (3 days early!). I have to say it was a beautiful labour and delivery. I remember it with such fondness and I honestly can't wait to do it again.

I felt like those braxton hicks had pestered me on a daily basis. They were a constant reminder that I was close to my due date and that it could happen any day and I literally sat on the edge of my birthing ball for the last 5 weeks of my pregnancy wondering when it would be. (I had swapped out my computer chair for my birthing ball to help open my pelvis and hopefully get my cervix ripening)

Thankfully I haven't had them anywhere near as regular yet, but this is by far the earliest they have ever started. The good thing that I can tell you is that at least we know these contractions do ABSOLUTELY nothing to my cervix. This is in no way a sign that this baby is going to come early. I hope that I have learned a few things about my body and that I won't be such a sucker this time around. I really never thought I would know the difference between false and real labour, but when I had that first real contraction I knew without a doubt. Here are some of the things I have learned about my braxton hicks.
1) Real contractions start out slower (10, 15, 20 mins or more apart) and get closer together. My braxton hicks start out close together (5 mins apart), but don't get more frequent. I never had one closer than 3 minutes apart.
2) My braxton hicks DO get stronger. I would put the ones I'm getting now on a strength scale of 2, but they did get up to a 10 with pregnancy #2. The main difference is that real contractions hurt. Even the first one I had caused a small amount of pain. My braxton hicks tighten, but they don't ever hurt. It's not like cramping for me at all. Labour however, can start out like cramping.
3) Braxton hicks (for me) feel like a sneeze that I never quite get out. It wraps around my belly and makes it hard as a rock, but just when I'm waiting for it to peak and maybe hurt it starts receding instead. I also feel like the baby is pushing out with it's whole body so it's not the pushing down sensation that comes with labour. My real contractions start in my hips and/or back and wrap around my whole belly and then no matter what stage of labour they will reach a peak and recede. Both contractions feel like waves rushing through my body, but the braxton hicks never reach my back or hips.
4) Lastly braxton hicks can usually be stopped or slowed down based on what sort of activity you are doing. Mine would almost completely go away if I had a bath or laid down whereas when real labour is here you can slow down the contractions, but no matter what you do that baby is coming and as long as baby is in the right position and things are happening properly you can only slow it down for so long. The braxton hicks I'm getting now stop when I walk around. Sitting is what brings them on... so that's a little different than last time.

I think that's the end of my rant on braxton hicks. I'm kind of sick of typing those two words as I'm sure you are of reading them. I was mainly trying to remind myself that yes I do know the difference between real and false labour, these are not doing anything and I should ignore them. They are easy to ignore right now, but I'm expecting in the weeks to come they will get stronger and more frequent. I am going to have to have a mantra to myself saying "ignore them, they aren't doing anything, do not time them Brandi!" I tend to have a bit of OCD and like to have things organized and on paper, but I will not time them!! haha :)

Here are some updated pics on the growing belly.

Oh side note: I just visited my friend and her brand new tiny 5lbs 12oz baby girl. Looking at the baby I couldn't imagine how she fit in her momma's belly. She was SO tiny and yet it still looked incomprehensible to me. My children weren't even that small! God really is the ultimate designer. The whole process really blows my mind!

The third trimester begins!! 27 weeks :)

2010-06-01T18:40:00.000-07:00

I'm a happy woman today!! We officially have entered the 3rd trimester. We have been so fortunate with an easy pregnancy so far and I know that if it is going to get tougher ,the next few months will be the time for that. I welcome it all with open arms b/c I know it only gets us one step closer to welcoming baby. I have been really enjoying this pregnancy since about 17 weeks when I really started showing and I still am, however I can't help but look forward to the special differences the end of this pregnancy will bring for me. I can't wait to start being able to loose weight instead of gain it. I am looking forward to remembering what I look like without a baby inside my body. I seriously can't remember anymore! I'm going to welcome my hugely engorged breasts b/c that means no middle of the night feedings and although I hate to see the milk go to waste I am really glad that I don't have to breastfeed this time around. I can't wait to go to Mexico two months after the baby is born and not have to worry about keeping a newborn cool in that crazy heat. I can't wait to wrap my arms all the way around my husband and give him a big kiss without first maneuvering around the belly. I'm ready to go into labour and know that the next day I can go home and sleep for as long as I want! My parents have offered to take my girls for a day or two after the birth so I am planning on resting lots and going for tea at friends houses. I am a little bit of a social butterfly and we wouldn't want something like giving birth to get in the way of that haha ;) Oh the list could go on and on ,but I don't want to sound too excited at not becoming a mother for the 3rd time. I do believe that if I need to think of these things and look forward to them to not miss all the joys that come with bringing a baby home than that's okay and it's what I am going to do. I want to enjoy this experience to the fullest and I think that controlling my thoughts is huge in how this will turn out for me. I am going to allow myself to feel what I need to feel and work through it, but I won't allow myself to wallow in what I don't have at the end. I don't feel like I will be "missing" something, but I have heard of surrogates who took it very hard and I can't let myself go there. I have protected my thoughts and feelings this whole time by always remembering our #1 goal which is to have a healthy baby, but most importantly that this is NOT my child. It never was, it never will be and that's more than okay, that's awesome! It's one of the main reasons why I just don't feel okay with people believing that this is my pregnancy b/c every time I look in the mirror I see it as someone elses. I know that Ali and Ben will have blessings piling up to the sky with this precious bundle and it's okay for me to be happy with the blessings I can find coming out of this too. Don't get me wrong this is all worth it, I am really enjoying it and I would do it all over again. I believe that these experiences in life help shape us to be the people we will become.

It's so much fun to be able to look towards the birth. Now is about the time I start watching an onslaught of baby story and maternity ward shows on TLC. I love to relive the memory of my two previous delivery's and it really helps me to visualize what I am going to do during the pain. I know every delivery is different, but this is birth #3 for my body so the chances of things going well are pretty good. If it doesn't I'm okay with that b/c the goal always is a healthy baby. The birth being wonderful and enjoyable is all in what you make of the circumstances that present themselves. I will avoid intervention as much as possible, but if it comes to baby being safe and me having to have a c-section or even induction (please no) than that's what we will do.

I feel like I am going to be talking a lot about the birth in the next few months and I really hope I don't bore you all. It's just part of my preparation and excitement. Bare with me please :)

I didn't take a picture yet this week, but hopefully I will get to it later on. The way I look today is not something I want to document haha :)

26 weeks

2010-05-25T08:10:00.000-07:00

We are officially beginning the viability stages. Baby now has a small chance of surviving outside the womb, not that we want it out quite yet. It is welcome to stay in there for another 14 weeks.

We had the best visit with Ali and Ben. They came up to go camping with us, but since we got over a foot of snow we kiboshed that idea and just hung out at home. The first day did feel somewhat like camping since our power went out for two nights and one full day and for us that means no water, no power, no heat (except for our wood stove which we are so thankful for) and no water means no toilet and no power means no cooking. Thankfully my parents fed us that night. The snow has now melted and we can have our warm weather back. I love Northern BC, but if you could strangle a province I might have tried this weekend.

One of the things we got to discuss this weekend was our birth plan. I'm so relieved to have that finally set out for us. There was a little bit of stress for me trying to plan it out and somehow try to predict how we might all be feeling and what we might want and that's just not possible since none of us have ever been here before. I think we are all happy with the plan we have come up with and knowing that we are all flexible easy going people helps. This is a birth plan and like any plan in life it can change.

I was really feeling guilty about how much participation Ben was going to have. I was struggling with the fact that this is his baby, but obviously not his wife so where do we go from there. We decided that there would be more of an "open door" policy during labour. Ben and his and Ali's moms (if they can make it) are welcome to come and get updates (obviously depending on how things are going) sit and chat if we are all feeling up for it, but during the actual delivery the only people who will be in the room is Ali (baby's mom), Andrew (my husband, my rock) and my mom (who is a maternity nurse and my coach during my delivery's). Ali would cut the cord and then be the first to hold it once baby is ready and then she can take the baby out to meet his/her very excited father and Grandma's. Once I'm done getting stitched up (hopefully that won't be necessary) and delivering the placenta then they can all come in and we can oooh and awww over the baby together and I will get a chance to hold him/her. I think this is a lovely compromise and one we can all live with. When we are all finished meeting the baby for the first time then Ben and Ali will go have some private time with their baby and I will go have the most wonderful shower of my life. :)

Figuring out the details of after the birth and while we are in the hospital was a little trickier since a lot of that will depend on a. how long I'm in there for and b. if there is enough space for Ben and Ali and baby to have their own room. September is supposed to be a busy month so lets hope we beat the rush and have this baby in August. We want to all be very open to discussing how we feel and be honest about what we need. We all have the same goal and that is making this a great experience for everyone involved so I feel that it will work out just fine. For me my main goal is to help Ben and Ali enjoy their first few days as parents. It's a unique situation to have someone else involved and I want to help make it feel like it's all theirs. I have had my moments with my babies, holding them and getting to know them, studying their faces for the first time and I want them to have that same opportunity. My most special moment with my girls was after everyone else left me and I was truly alone with them for the first time. Babies are so alert the first couple hours after birth and we just sat there staring at each other. I couldn't help but cry with all the love that I felt for that little person. I can remember it like it was yesterday and it still brings tears to my eyes.

Ali and Ben are kind enough to give Andrew and I a chance to be alone with the baby before they leave and say goodbye. I know we will be seeing this little one again, but it will be nice to have that moment since we will have been on quite a journey together. I am actually hoping for a nighttime delivery so that I can leave the next afternoon. I'm not a fan of trying to sleep in hospitals and since the hospital will want to keep the baby for at least 24 hours if I can leave early Ben and Ali will get to be on their own with their baby there.

I'm really excited for them! Just imagining them finally getting to take their baby home makes me smile. I remember the drive home and the first day as parents on our own and there was a sense of everything being right in the world. I don't think I ever felt more at peace. I hope Ben and Ali get to experience that to the fullest and that they can look back on this whole experience fondly.

Another beautiful birth

2010-05-24T15:01:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Tara just delivered a beautiful baby girl and was fortunate enough to have our friend Laura there to capture the birth on camera. I wanted to add this video to my blog b/c I think it was just such a beautiful birth and Laura captured it perfectly. I truely hope my birth goes as well as this one. I love how the feeling of the birth was captured so well. Since our birth will be coming up in 14 weeks I have been thinking a lot about what it could be like and I hope that it goes as well as my first two. I hop it can be mellow and peaceful and a great experience for the parents as well as for me :) I'm excited!!

So I hope you enjoy this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pE6nv6Gch-E
This is my friend Laura's website. She does amazing pictures and is such a beautiful soul.
http://lauradyckphoto.wordpress.com/

Just had to share this.

2010-05-19T07:13:00.000-07:00

I have been following a few different surrogate blogs and just recently one of the surrogates delivered the IP's sweet baby girl. They had a photographer in there for the birth and posted the slide show on her blog. I just had to share this with you guys b/c it really hit me with the reality we will be facing in 15 short weeks. I watched it probably 4 times and cried the whole time. It was so beautiful!! What stuck with me the most was what a great welcome party that little girl had coming into this world. In the movie the photographer quoted a verse from the Bible that says " Every good and perfect gift is from above" James 1:17 and that truth just resonated with me. I am so thankful for my children, I don't know what my life would be like without them and getting to be a part of this opportunity for God to bless another family's life is such a honor. I can't thank Ali and Ben enough for trusting me with their precious cargo it's a "job" I don't take lightly. Watching this movie made me that much more excited to share in their special day with them.

Here are the sites for both the photographers website and surrogates blog. Watch it and enjoy!!
http://www.kdloftisphotography.com/blog/2010/05/15/the-greatest-gift-birth
http://asurrodiary.blogspot.com/
(I tried attaching the links, but they weren't working so copy and paste)

25 weeks!! Only 15 to go??!!?!?

2010-05-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

How can it be that we only have 15 weeks left!!?!?! The days are becoming warmer and we leave for our first camping trip this weekend. Not only does that mean summer is coming which is just glorious, but also that baby will be born soon. I find myself calling it HE all the time. I think this is my way of not having to call him an it, but also since I have two girls and no boys, it separates the familiarity that much more. Ali and Ben are coming camping with us this weekend and I couldn't be more thrilled. I'm excited to chat about our "birth plan", although it is more of a "baby plan" since most of it will be our preferences for after the baby is born or newly arrived. It will be nice to have some more concrete ideas on what we all want.

I had a dr's apt. today. It went very well. I drank that awful orange drink (last week), which I usually love, but really didn't this time and found out that my blood sugar is perfect. My hemoglobin is a tad on the low side so I'm back on iron supplements every second day. We heard baby's heartbeat and it gave us some nice variables so that is a good sign that 'he' is doing well. My dr advised me that they still consider this a high risk pregnancy soley for the fact that this is an unusual situation and although everything has been going perfectly come 32 weeks they will be monitoring the baby very closely. This is my last 4 week stint in between dr's visits b/c after that it will go down to two weeks in between and then at 36 weeks I'll go in every week. I will have an ultrasound at 32 weeks and then possibly another two after that and then again starting at 32 weeks I will go in for regular NST's (non stress tests) which checks the baby's heart rate and movements and also monitors any contractions. My life is going to get VERY busy in the next few months, but that's really okay b/c it's nice to know that we are all getting taken care of and that there are people on our side who are doing their absolute best to help Ali and Ben welcome their healthy baby into this world. Not to mention we will have a lot of nice pictures for their baby book :) My dr. also mentioned that his estimate for their baby's weight is between 6 and 7lbs which is a nice size and right now the belly is growing perfectly with the dates.

I asked him if IVF babies are known for coming early or right on their dates since conception is not a guessing game. He said no the statistics are similar to a 'regular' pregnancy, but that usually when people use IVF it is b/c of complications getting pregnant which may effect either the embryo itself or the mothers body and ability to carry children so this may point to higher risk more complicated pregnancy's and sometimes preterm babies. In our case there is no way to guess when the baby is coming since there aren't really any of the usual complications. Both 'his' parents are young and healthy and my body has carried two babies to full term already so our chances of making it close to the end or even past are pretty good. I'm still hoping for August 30th (which is my birthday), but as we all know we don't get to chose. :)

Here is another set of pictures of "the belly" at 25 weeks.

24 weeks!

2010-05-12T15:12:00.000-07:00

I can't believe we are 24 weeks!!! We only have 16 weeks left!!! How time fly's. Not so sure if it's flying for the baby's parents, but it is for me. I have been feeling great lately. Honestly half the time I forget I'm pregnant and then I'll feel it move or try to hug my husband and oh yeah... right there's a baby in there hahaha. That's a good thing though. Still comfortable and really enjoying it. I can't wait for the IP's to get here. They will be coming camping with us (and my family) if it's warm enough on May long. I think it will be so much fun and I"m really looking forward to it. I hope the baby gives some good kicks for them to feel while they are here. I still have to be laying down to feel the kicks with my hand. Baby is still really low and I'm still carrying closer to my back... hopefully that will change by the time they get here otherwise we may have to catch it when I'm laying on the couch.

One of my good friends just had a baby. It was a girl and she's so precious!! I did notice that there was a definite difference in my feelings from most of my other friends. We are all in the "childbearing" years and most of us have young families and are hoping to have more so it was no surprise when most of the women commented on "wanting another one" when holding that little sweetie. I on the other hand really didn't get that feeling. She's sooo precious, but I can honestly say I SOOOO don't want one. When they aren't mine it's just not the same and this one in my tummy doesn't feel like mine even a little bit. Again I think it's just a healthy confirmation that things are as they should be. Since this is my first surrogacy I guess I really didn't know if my heart strings would be tugging at all (not that I would have given into those feelings). Actually the feelings that surprise me are the ones where I think about meeting this baby 2 or 3 years from now. It actually brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. This will be a special little person to me and my family and Ali and Ben (the parents) will always be in our thoughts and prayers. I will feel connected to them in ways I can't describe and happier than I ever imagined to see them become parents.

(almost) 23 weeks and ultrasound #5

2010-05-03T17:13:00.000-07:00

Today I had our 5th ultrasound of the pregnancy. This should be last one if all goes as planned. Everything looked good with the baby from what I gathered... they really don't tell you much. The baby is now measuring 2 days ahead of schedule instead of 1 which was interesting. Maybe they will get their baby early :) That would be welcomed I'm sure. These measurements defiantely don't change our due date since they are so close to being right on and the earlier the ultrasound the more acurate.

Other than that there isn't much new to talk about. I've had some cramping, but it is gone as of today and they checked my cervix with the ultrasound so I'm sure nothing is happening. Just all part of the package this time around.

Here are some updated belly pics now that I finally found my camera.

Ultrasound news

2010-04-18T10:11:00.000-07:00

I had an ultrasound last week. We were at 20 weeks. As far as they could tell everything looked good with the baby, but it still wasn't exactly successful. Their little baby would not cooperate. The ultrasound tech. said she hasn't had this hard of a time getting measurements since she was in school. Apparently the baby was completely rolled into a little ball and wouldn't show it's face or head. She got the limbs and body measurements after some maneuvering, but never did see the face and barely got the head circumference. The baby is sitting VERY low in my pelvis still and is head down already (YAY!!) so in order to get the circumference she had to get underneath the head which was pointed down and then tucked into it's own body. To give you an idea of how low he/she was let me just tell you that I kept having to pull my pants down further and further and still she barely got it. She finally managed to get the ultrasound device underneath the head and I felt her push down (carefully) with it and all of a sudden I got this weird full feeling higher up in my abdomen as she pushed the baby up. She held it there, took the measurements and then when she took her hand away down the baby went once again. So unfortunately I have to go back for another ultrasound next week. Hopefully their baby has changed positions and decides to come out and take a peak at us. She said at that time she would put both ultrasound videos onto one dvd which is really nice since the first one really wasn't that exciting. All you could see was back, legs, feet and bum... and no she didn't tell us what the sex was although I know she could tell. She was showing me the feet curled in front and she slid to it's bum and then moved it really quick haha. I think had she left it there I might have gotten an idea of the sex so I'm glad she moved it.

Everyday it sinks in more and more how different this pregnancy feels. Today we took down the crib and set up the toddler bed for my youngest daughter who's now 18 months. It just hit me that normally I would be setting up the crib not taking it down! hahaha It made me smile. All the normal preparatory things you do when your pregnant are for Ben and Ali (IP's) to accomplish and it's just perfect that way. I think it's official now that I look pregnant and I am still struggling with feeling like a poser. I am proud of this belly, but I'm not a proud momma and I can't pretend I am. I'm hoping that I can just get over it, but if those are the strongest feelings I struggle with this pregnancy than I'll take 'em. :)

Next week I see my dr. and go for the 5th and final? ultrasound. I'll post the dvd then. Hope the baby decides to boogie around for you all.

Oh one more thing... baby is still measuring one day larger than our dates. Maybe an August baby after all?? (p.s my birthday is August 30th, two days before the due date... I wouldn't mind sharing with the day with this little one :D)

Ideas anyone??

2010-04-12T15:57:00.000-07:00

I have really been thinking a lot about the birth and how we want it to play out. I am SO excited and I know the parents are too (obviously hahaha). The baby's mom and I have been reading other surrogate blogs and there have been some really beautiful birth stories. We both think it's a really good idea to talk about some of these things ahead of time. Not exactly a "birth plan" necessarily, but more so what we would like during and after the baby is born. I think it's good to know each others expectations, needs and wants.

What I would love from my readers... if you don't mind... are some ideas on what would be nice to do during or after the birth to make it a wonderful and enjoyable experience for everyone. I know there are some other surrogates who read this and I would love to hear what your favorite part of your surrogate birth was and/or what you wished you would have/could have done differently. We all want to be flexible, but I think having an idea of how things will go is good. None of the parties involved have ever been apart of a surrogate birth so this is all new to us. New and exciting!!

The actually birthing of the baby seems like the easy part to plan this time. It's pretty straight forward. I'm going to try and avoid the epidural and any other pain meds and go with as little intervention as possible. Of course I hope everything goes as it has in the past, but I know that isn't a guarantee. If we could avoid an induction that would be ideal and pitocin would be worst case scenario for me. Not a fan of that crap unless it is COMPLETELY necessary. They will have to do some hardy convincing to get me to agree. Of course whatever is safest for their baby will be #1 priority. Also hoping to avoid a c-section which would be farely unlikely considering my past, but you never know. The medical aspect seems pretty straight forward it's just figuring out everyone's "roll". I know most of it will just play out naturally and won't need to be "planned" and I totally believe it will be a wonderful experience. I think that everyone involved are very reasonable people and ultimately we all have the same goal.

Sooo all that rambling just to say ideas please. :)

19 weeks!!

2010-04-06T13:46:00.000-07:00

WOWZA! Almost half way! I can't even believe it. There was a pretty exciting landmark for their baby this week. It kicked my hand for the first time :D I seriously can't believe how strong it is already. I never felt my kids until well after 20 weeks. Part of me is scared for the months to come thinking about how badly my organs are going to get drummed on, but the other part of me is laughing b/c they are going to have their hands full when this crazy little bean comes out haha. It was joyous to feel that baby, but I did feel a sense of loss that we didn't live closer to them. I wished I could run over to their house and let them feel too. I don't know when we are going to get to see each other next and by then we may be 7 months already and feeling elbows and feet instead of little jabs and twitches. I just have to remember that in 4 short months they will be holding this little one and that really tops everything.

I was reading another surrogates blog (she's carrying twins) and someone commented that it was time for the babies to come out and give those sleepless nights to the parents. hahaha I loved that b/c honestly when I think of "the end" that's one of the highlights for me. Giving birth and then being able to roll over and go to sleep :) I still vividly remember MANY MANY sleepless nights with my youngest daughter and I am so relieved that I get to hand this one off. I'm sure they will be more than willing to get up at night to hold their little angel.

I'm struggling a little bit with strangers being able to tell that I'm pregnant. I kind of feel like a fraud if I just go ahead and let them keep believing that this baby is mine b/c it isn't. It's like holding someones baby and someone walking up to you and saying aww is this your first? I want to say Oh no it isn't mine, but then holy that invites a whole lot of explaining. I really don't mind if people know that I'm a surrogate, but I don't want to seem like I am trying to get attention b/c I truly am not ,no amount of attention would be worth going through a delivery for. I'm going to just have to play it by ear I guess. Sometimes it's not the right time to say no it's not mine, but sometimes it is and no matter how uncomfortable I am with people thinking that "I" am having a baby I guess that's life with a swollen belly. Most people are going to be new mothers at the end of a pregnancy it's usually an accurate assumption and this time there will be a new mother at the end it just won't be me.

So all in all it's been an excellent few weeks. My dr is back and I am looking forward to my next apt. I'm going to start asking him questions about different options for the birth plan (it's never to early to get everyone in the loop). I have had no nausea, no heartburn, no swelling and not a lot of weight gain although I don't actually know since I refuse to look at the scale. I'm feeling really good. The baby is healthy and kicking and excited to meet it's mom and dad and hopefully some Grandparent's in 21 weeks.

17 weeks (tomorrow)

2010-03-23T10:05:00.001-07:00

This week the baby is approximately the size of an apple! Wowza! That seems so big especially if I remember back to the first time we saw it. The day of the transfer all we could see were the little air bubbles beside the microscopic little embryo's. It's pretty cool. I'm still feeling their baby moving around in there quite a bit and last week I felt it's hiccups for the first time. I take that as a good sign that it's practicing it's breathing movements and hopefully happy as a clam in there.

I've been feeling a little discouraged about this belly. It really doesn't feel like it's growing very fast at all. I mean I've got a little bump, but I am definitely smaller than I was with my previous two. Oh well, it'll come right? No worries. :) Here's a pic. nonetheless.

Considering the last pic. I took was almost a month ago I really haven't grown a lot. Slowly but surely I guess right...

And another one... a little closer.

16 weeks (tomorrow)

2010-03-16T07:30:00.000-07:00

This week has been a fun one! I have been feeling their baby move for about two weeks now, but not very frequently. Maybe only a couple little flutters every 3 or 4 days depending on how I'm sitting or laying, but this week that has all changed. I feel it about 4 times a day now and it's so fun. It feels more like it's rolling in there instead of the early flutters. It's a nice little way to tell that everything is ok.

Also since about 14 1/2 weeks the nausea is completely gone. It's so wonderful! My energy is back and I can finally catch up on all the things that I neglected in the last three months. Oh and did I mention that we are now 4 months pregnant!

So all is good in baby land today. There is a dr's apt next week. I was going to push it back two weeks and wait until my dr. is home, but it's the 17 week checkup and I know that I could miss some blood tests and be late for an ultrasound if I do that so I'll suck it up for one more visit. My dr. has been gone to South Africa for the past 6 weeks and in pregnancy visits that happened to be two for me. He's such an amazing dr and I feel like he is so invested and taking care of this pregnancy so I'm ready for him to come back now. It's just nice knowing that everything is being taken care of and that nothing is being missed.

Oh yes! I just remembered. There is an ultrasound between 18-20 weeks which means another video! It will be amazing to see the changes that 6 weeks makes in a baby this age.

Hanging out with the parents :)

2010-03-08T16:35:00.001-08:00

The baby's mom and dad were here this weekend. It was such a great visit. As we were sitting in our living room visiting I just couldn't help but imagine them sitting there with a baby! It made me so excited for them. It felt like the missing piece that I hadn't been feeling last week was finally there. This is what we all have to look forward. It was so much fun to talk about all the baby prep, like what are they doing with the baby's room and what outfit have they picked to bring the baby home in. There is so much joy in the anticipation of a new life.

Today was pretty much baby day. We went for lunch and as we were half way through eating the dr's office called to tell us we could come now. We frantically got our meals to go, dropped off my kids (got another call from the dr's office asking where we were) and then ran into the office only to wait a good 10-15 minutes while the dr. saw another patient. hahaha. It was so worth it. I know that they loved it and from my point of view I loved hearing their exclamations and seeing their eyes sparkle. It definitely topped my list of great ultrasounds. Everything looks great with the baby from what we can tell at this point. We are at 14 weeks 5 days so it was still a bit early to see certain complications are present, but all is well for now and I have high hopes that it will stay that way.

After the ultrasound we went over to the hospital maternity ward. My mom is a labour and delivery nurse and she offered to give us a tour of the mat ward. They had never been in a delivery room before so it was fun to give us all an idea of what to expect. We talked about what the event could be like and what we can somewhat expect and then after the baby is born what the hospital stay will be like. If the ward isn't busy there is a good chance they will be able to stay the night with the baby, but if we can't get a private room they may have to leave at night to get some sleep. The nurses are all very supportive and know what is going on (it's definitely a bonus being the daughter of one of those nurses) so they will accommodate them as much as they can. I may not even need to stay in the hospital that long (depending on how the delivery goes) and so it may be just baby and them for a portion of the 24 hour stay.

Lots of things to think about in the months to come. It was nice to get some information from the hospital and just spend the day talking and planning. I can't wait until next time. My family and I are planning a trip to their place in July and we will be meeting their whole family so that will be nice :)

13 weeks (3 days)

2010-02-28T07:01:00.000-08:00

There's not a lot new to report as far as baby goes. I had my regular prenatal and the dr. was able to get the heartbeat right away. He said the baby's heart was the size of his pinkie finger and it really astounded me that we can hear it already, so strong and clear. Sometimes I sure love technology.

I have gotten my nausea back with a vengeance. This is a new twist once again. Never have I had it last this long and once it's gone it has never come back. I guess new pregnancy, new symptoms. It's actually worse at times than it has ever been. I can no longer eat food to ward off the "oh no I've got to puke" feeling and if I do I usually end up loosing it a few minutes later. On the bright side after my stomach stops heaving I usually feel awesome haha. Suckers! That is the answer. I am too cheap to buy prego pops and so far suckers have been doing the trick. They are a little on the sweet side, but so far they have helped an otherwise unpleasant experience.

This week has been an interesting week as far as feelings go. It's really hard to explain, but I'll try. I have really been feeling the distance. As you know the baby's parents live 10 1/2 hours away. I guess lately I have been feeling like everything is very mellow. All the people who are excited for the baby to come and everyone who's lives will change from this are all not here. It's ok. It's just weird. All of my people are excited for this pregnancy, but obviously not for the same reasons. We aren't expecting a baby... the baby's parents and grandparents and friends and aunt's and uncles and cousins are expecting a baby and I think that's the biggest difference. All of my past pregnancy's I have obviously been expecting a baby. I was preparing and thinking and planning and this time I'm not. It really brings to light that this is not 'my' pregnancy. It's really ok. I just needed to work through those thoughts a bit and figure out why I have been feeling so mellow and uninvolved. I got an e-mail from the baby's mom the other day and it was just so nice to hear how they are planning and preparing for baby. I think them coming here will really help to make it feel like something is actually happening. I know this baby is loved and will be welcomed by a bazillion excited people, but it's nice to re-hear that sometimes since I'm separated from all that emotionally and physically.

ok this is getting longer than I had planned. One more thing haha.

I believe that this week I can finally say I've started showing. It almost felt like overnight. Actually at the beginning of the week I would have said no I'm not. It's small, but I think it's there. It's funny people have been saying wow your small for a third pregnancy and I was standing there thinking "you really think I have this big of a gut when I'm not pregnant?" hahaha. I guess b/c I lost my waist from what feels like the first day I am just ready to shed this bloated belly and look how I'm supposed to. So here are some pics of the small, slowly growing belly.

Please excuse the mess behind me. My kids were playing as I was taking this photo. This is at 13 weeks 3 days, first thing in the morning so that I include as little pregnancy bloating as I can.

And a closer view...

Ultrasound of their baby moving!!

2010-02-19T07:35:00.000-08:00

I think this is such a cool video. You can see the curl of the baby's back and it's large (normal for these dates) head. It looks so much like a baby already! I hope you all enjoy. :)
This is at 11 weeks 5 days... with the baby measuring one day ahead... but really what's one day. Everything is healthy and normal with the baby.

12 weeks!

2010-02-17T07:52:00.000-08:00

Can you believe it!!??! The second trimester is right around the corner! It feels so good to have made it to this stage. We had an ultrasound on Monday at the hospital and everything looked great. I even got a CD to bring home for the parents. It's of the baby moving and wiggling and since it's so small they can see everything in one shot. It's amazing how it looks like a baby this time. The CD is great b/c they can experience it like they were there. There are definitely down sides to living 10 1/2 hours away however they will be here in less than 3 weeks for ultrasound #3 and that will be awesome.

The ultrasound tech. was very informative about my anatomy. She said that my uterus is tilted into my back a bit and that's what caused us not to be able to actually hear the heartbeat yet (since the baby is further away). This occurs in about 10% of women. It may also have been the reason I measured small for my dates with my two previous pregnancy's and can also cause me to start showing later. I tend to show at about 15 to 17 weeks so I think that I'm still in the average range for that. I was happy that the placenta wasn't' actually anterior (attached against the outer uterine wall closest to my belly button) b/c that means we may be able to feel the baby move sooner than we thought.

The last three days have been amazing. My body has done a complete 180 and it feels great. It's right on schedule with my placenta fully maturing and taking over. I don't feel bloated anymore (as often) and I can almost do up my jeans again... which is sort of disappointing ;) I'm not nausea's anymore and I haven't' vomited in a week. I remember thinking a few days ago that I couldn't possibly imagine having energy again. It's not possible. I'm going to feel like this the whole time and then not three days later I was up and cleaning and cooking. It's such a nice feeling. I was ready to feel good again.

So all in all it was a great week. It was nice to see a happy healthy baby and it's even crazier to think that it will be in it's parents arms in 6 short months!

11 weeks 3 days and 148 beats/min

2010-02-12T14:24:00.000-08:00

We got great news today. We still couldn't hear the heartbeat, but the beats were registering on the doppler. This baby had a healthy 148 to 142 beats per minute and again we heard him/her squirming around like crazy. Apparently my uterus is up against the side of my belly so it is making it much harder to hear things. It's so crazy that the movements are SO loud on the doppler. That little one must be doing jumping jacks in there.

This week I have noticed a major decrease in my nausea. THANKFULLY!! It hasn't been awfully bad this whole time, but it's nice to start to feel like myself again. My gag reflex is still killer so I have to be careful about where I am if I need to cough hahaha. I have had a few bouts of unexpected vomiting. It's so bizarre b/c I will be feeling fine and then all of a sudden I'll be gagging running down the hallway or vomiting on my toothbrush (which I threw away). Honestly I would take this over days and hours and weeks of constant nausea. I'm just sitting back and waiting for my energy levels to return to normal and then we can get life back to it's usual pace.

We have an ultrasound on Monday at almost 12 weeks. I love ultrasounds at this stage b/c it will actually look like a baby this time and it will be small enough that we will be able to see the whole body in the screen. It's very special. I'll be getting pics for the baby's mom and dad to see and I am looking forward to them being here for the next one at 14 1/2 weeks.

Other than that there's not much new. I'll post more belly pics in a couple weeks. I still feel silly taking them since most of my gut is attributed to the pregnancy bloat, which has blown all my expectations out of the water. hahaha. My non prego pants are a thing of the past and most of my regular shirts are already looking a tad to short. It's ridiculous haha :) Oh well bring it on!

10 weeks!!

2010-02-03T19:49:00.000-08:00

There is something about making it to 10 weeks that makes it all feel more real. This is the beginning of the fun. The second trimester is in sight and any day now we should be able to hear the heartbeat for the first time, baby has started moving and we have the first flutters to look froward to, baby's mom and dads first ultrasound is just around the corner and of course there is the belly watch that will become increasingly more exciting in the weeks to come. I can't wait to share all this with the parents and I'm SOOOO looking forward to their visit in March.

Today is also a landmark for me personally. 10 weeks marks the very last day of hormone supplements!!! I can say SO LONG to 2 tablets 3 times a day prometrium and good riddance morning and night estrace. I know pills are "easy" but I can honestly say I will not miss that extra bit of memory strain. There were days where I would be sitting there and I honestly could not for the life of me remember what dose I was on... I know I took the morning one, but did I take it this afternoon??? What's worse missing a dose or having an extra one??? I even sunk as low as asking my three year old daughter if she remembers me taking my pills. (She wasn't very helpful haha) It will just be a relief to be able to trust my body to do it's job on it's own from here on out.

I went to see my dr. again today. He is leaving for 6 weeks to South Africa and we thought it might be nice to try and get a listen to the heartbeat before he leaves. Unfortunately we were unsuccessful yet again, but got the pleasure of listening to their baby do a little giggy in there. I can't help but think IT HAS GOT TO BE A BOY!! hahaha That is one wild child. It kind of scares me to think of what's to come hehe :) The parents may be getting more than they bargained for ;) I just can't wait for them to see "him" moving around on the ultrasound!!! They are going to love it!!! I am going back next week Friday (at 11 weeks 2 days) to try one more time before my dr. leaves to get a listen. We're not worried or anything it would just be nice to get that little extra bit of confirmation and if he's willing to see me I'm willing to go.

Ok... I'm going to stop calling their baby a him b/c if it is a girl I'll feel a little silly.

9 weeks (3 days)

2010-01-30T18:00:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling fat...

That's kind of on the forefront of my mind the last few days. I always feel this way in the first trimester. I start realizing that being a human garburator is NOT great for places like my butt and face and arms and thighs... and of course when I stay up too late all feelings are exaggerated. Grumpiness does not help you to feel beautiful. I'm ready to look pregnant. I'm sick of this constant gut that, try as I may, just will not suck in. I have been doing an ok job of convincing myself that it looks like a pregnant belly, but if I'm really honest with myself I've got to admit that it's just a little to soft and not quite round enough to pass as a "bump". These are my moans for the week... thank you for listening and I'm sorry if you got any mental pictures.

There have been many great blessings this week which make my fatness somewhat less menacing. The most exciting is by far the dr's visit we had this week... well not so much the visit itself as what we got to hear. The baby is still too small to hear the heartbeat through the doppler, but we got the next best thing. We heard it moving!!! It was so amazing. To imagine this little one is the size of a grape and it was bouncing around in there. We heard it bonk against the doppler numerous times and had it been big enough to have an audible heartbeat I doubt we could have gotten it anyways. Man this thing was wild! haha It's got to be a boy ;) haha. I had no idea they moved so much this young. It really blew my mind and after a weekend of worry it was to all of our relief that we got this great news. It made me wish that I had videotaped it for the baby's mom and dad. (when I say "we" in this chapter I guess I am referring to me and the dr)

I was a little discouraged at the end of the dr's apt. b/c it sounded like the parents weren't going to get an ultrasound around the time they were coming. My dr. wants a 12 week ultrasound done and the parents aren't coming until around 14 1/2 weeks, but to our wonderful surprise the OB (who does the u/s) is going away and the earliest he can get me in is March 8th!!! I couldn't believe my ears! That is the exact date that the parents are going to be here. :D I was speechless. Praise God! I think that this ultrasound will be just so special for the parents and I'm so excited that I get to be there for it too!

So all in all it was a good week and I've been enjoying not having to worry when I go a day without some nausea. I feel like God has been blessing us all so much with this whole thing and I look forward to what's ahead. I got a little note from the mom last week in the mail and when she said hi to baby from mom it hit me like a ton of bricks... no something better than bricks that doesn't hurt, but actually feels good... like a ton of flower pedals. :) It made me soo happy to hear her call herself mom. She is a mom already and he`s a dad. This is when it starts. They aren`t intended parents anymore they are parents. YAY!!

9 week (tomorrow)!!!

2010-01-26T08:01:00.000-08:00

Wow!! 9 weeks!!! A few more weeks and we're done the first trimester. Next month will bring an end to this portion of the journey... and I can't say I'll miss it much. I'm ready to move on to the exciting, less nausea's parts of pregnancy. I LOVE the second trimester. It comes with such amazing joys and I'm excited to get to experience them with the baby's parents.

I got a little bit worried this weekend. I had some cramping on Friday night. We were driving and I'm not sure if it was the bumping from the road or from puking the night away, but it felt awful. It felt like the pain was in my hips, very very low and a burning that would start in my back and kind of spread into my lower abdomen. It felt like when I was in labour with my youngest daughter (only not as intense). I could feel a very distinct start and stop pattern and it was really starting to scare me. We ripped home (1 1/2hr drive), I laid down on the couch and shortly after the cramping stopped. The next day I woke up and I felt wonderful. I still had the pregnancy bloating, but not an ounce of nausea. This also kind of scared me b/c I had gone from 3 nights of loosing my supper to all of a sudden feeling perfect. It wasn't a welcome feeling. No spotting or blood of any kind so that was a good sign. The next day I woke up again feeling really good. I tried to take it easy, relax and rest, but it was nagging in my mind all day that I felt "too" good. If I still felt this awesome by the next day I would go in and request an ultrasound. I knew that if it was a miscarriage there was nothing they could do, but the not knowing was killing me. Thankfully I woke up the next morning feeling like crap!!! It was the BEST feeling in the world!!! :D It's been a couple of days and defiantly feeling pregnant. I have the first prenatal apt. on Wednesday so I will tell him about the experience, but I feel confident that everything is fine. It's probably a bit too early to hear the heartbeat with a doppler, but just hearing what he has to say will alleviate my worries. He's a VERY careful dr.

I think that the cramping and the lessening of nausea could have come from the placenta starting to work. The fertility clinic says it takes control of the production of hormones and feeding the baby somewhere around 9-10 weeks. That would fit the timeline of where we are in this pregnancy. Also I have read that cramping around this time of pregnancy is normal and ok as long as it's not accompanied by bleeding (plus it went away and hasn't come back). Of course I'm not a dr. so this is just what I'm thinking... maybe they will know more when I go in on Wednesday. Either way I feel very good that everything is going fine. I have "just" enough symptoms.

The reason I included this in the blog is not to scare everyone, but just to share the ups and downs of pregnancy. The worries and the fears. I felt a lot of comfort when listening to other women's experiences and seeing that things were ok. I had never had any sort of cramping in a pregnancy before, but this is the third one so I know it will bring different surprises and challenges. This is all part of the experience.

It just dawned on me that winter is over halfway over!!!!!!!!!

8 weeks... and some complaining ;)

2010-01-19T21:19:00.000-08:00

I know I've said it before, but I really want this blog to be real. I want it to include my true feelings as I go through this journey including all the ups and downs. So in saying this ... today was probably my hardest day yet. My youngest daughter has gotten croup. She's one year old and it scares me to see her having such a hard time breathing. She had a good 5 hour nap and I think that was my saving grace b/c I felt absolutely dreadful today. I don't know how I would have taken care of her without that reprieve. I was EXHAUSTED. I think the way I felt today gave new meaning to that word. I could barely peel myself off the couch and my stomach, uterus, whatever it was, was just achy and uncomfortable all day. I couldn't lay, sit or stand in a way that would give me relief. Then to top it all off I got a massive headache, which I'm sure attributed to the tiredness. I remember this feeling from my first pregnancy. I was laying on the couch one evening after work crying b/c I couldn't imagine feeling like this and having to look after a child. I lived that moment today, but instead of just one child I had two. I was very thankful for my independent 3 1/2 year old. I do feel that being a mother makes me stronger b/c I didn't break down like I did imagining this moment four years ago, I did dread needing to prepare lunch or change a dirty bum, but I did it. I guess that's just how it is when we have our kids.

I am still SOO happy to be doing this and I'm thankful for every second of this pregnancy. I know it will be worth it when I see them holding their precious bundle. That doesn't change the fact that today was hard and kind of crappy. hahaha It hit me today that we are at 8 weeks (tomorrow)!!! Wow!!! I know that doesn't sound very far along, but considering where we started it feels like a lifetime. Remembering that this point was just a dream and now it's a full blown reality. It's amazing and so joyful.

Now to try and go to sleep. After my day of exhaustion sleep evades me and is replaced by anxiety and restlessness, tossing and turning... I actually feel better after writing this post. Remembering how truly joyful this is just fills me with peace.

7 week belly pics... what little belly there is.

2010-01-18T20:06:00.001-08:00

This is me in the morning. Just a little tiny bump. Honestly it feels bigger than it is b/c my uterus is so tender I can't wear any of my pants. If anything pushes on my tummy at all it's really uncomfortable. I know at this point it is all uterus since the baby is only the size of a grain of rice or something super duper small like that. haha

This is me in the evening. Notice the lovely joys of the bloating pregnant belly and how much a full stomach can effect things.

Please excuse the self potraits. Whenever I get the idea to take a picture I'm usually home alone with the kidlets.

7 weeks 3 days and feelin' good

2010-01-16T08:33:00.000-08:00

Sooo, I'm super excited b/c the baby's parents have asked to come visit in March. It's going to be sooo awesome to see them!! I will be around the 15 week mark then and will most likely have more to show (as in a little baby belly) than just eating all the time and being extra sleepy. Atleast I hope to have a little belly to show them... that's when I have started to show in the past. I already feel like I have a slight belly, but it's not anything anyone else would be able to notice and I still feel weird about people rubbing it b/c it's all uterus and therefor not very hard. It's still "my" belly, once it starts to become baby everyone can poke, prod, rub and talk to it as much as they like.

The first prenantal appointment is January 27th, which is the 9 week mark. I'm not expecting to be able to hear the heartbeat with a doppler quite yet, but hopefully on the next visit. You never know, we may get lucky. My dr. is going to South Africa for a 6 week visit so while he is gone I am going to be seeing the Obstetrician in town. I am going to try and orchestrate it so that my OB visit lines up perfectly with the visit from the parents so that they will be able to see an ultrasound and get a few pictures to take home with them. This ultrasound will look like much much more of a baby compared to the 6 week little rice picture that we got last time. Don't get me wrong that was a pretty special little rice :)

So all in all things are going great. I feel good. Just enough sleepyness and nauseau to know that the little lima bean is in there, but not enough to disrupt my life in any major way. I am still dealing with weird uterine tenderness, but that's not anything major. I am learning to adjust my sleeping positions early that's all.

We'd all still love it if you could keep praying for this little one. I feel like it's doing fine in there, but since having a friend loose a baby recently and another one have some complications I am finding it hard to relax and just enjoy it. Thanks :)

Feelings so far...

2010-01-11T07:51:00.000-08:00

It was such a wonderful week of sharing the news with everyone. The excitement and support was overwhelming! :)
I feel like things have finally settled now and I can breath and relax and take this pregnancy as it throws things my way. So far it has been easy... different, but easy. Mind you we are still only at 6 weeks 5 days. The morning sickness is not bad (yet?). If I don't eat I will feel it and it usually makes all food look really unappealing, so I just lay there feeling kind of crappy. Fruit and yogurt are my favorites and always look good. I have very mild fatigue... very mild. Nothing that disrupts my life enough to notice. I fall asleep on the couch at night before my usual bedtime, but that's hardly anything to complain about. Some lower back ache and lower tailbone pain, but that has gone away as of this week (for now). I'm not fitting into my pants as well as I used to already and that's kind of annoying. It's the perpetual gut that I can't "suck in" anymore. Makes me feel a bit awkward and not super attractive. I know it will soon turn into a baby belly so I can handle it. All in all it has been going really well. If anything the lack of any major symptoms makes me worry from time to time, but then I just have to remind myself to let it go. Worrying doesn't help a thing and this is something I have zero control over.

It has been interesting coming to terms with this being a "surrogate pregnancy". I have been showing a few friends the ultrasound picture and it's definitely different. I feel protective of this baby of theirs, but not the same pride that I felt with my own. When I saw that precious little one on the ultrasound screen I felt YAY for the parents, but not the instant motherly love that I felt for my own. I'm the type of person that imagines and daydreams about the future and what things are going to be like and this time around it all stops at the delivery. My life really isn't going to be majorly altered because of this baby. The parents on the other hand... haha :D It's wonderful and great. I'm glad it feels this way. I'm excited for every new step and it will be SOO much fun to watch them experience it all. I think that this is how it should feel. It's healthy. This is their baby and man are they gonna love it and I'm excited for that. :D

IT'S POSITIVE!!!!

2010-01-06T18:53:00.001-08:00

We are all elated to announce that there is ONE healthy baby in there. The parents are so excited! We are already at 6 weeks and had our first ultrasound today. Their baby is the size of a peppercorn, but not only did we see the heart beating we also got to hear it!! It was so unbelievable that something SO small truly (visibly) has life! And not only does it have a beating heart, but the brain is developing and connecting to the spinal cord, the kidneys, liver, eyes, ears, mouth and little buds for arms and legs have begun to form. It's unbelievable!! I am truly astounded every time I see an ultrasound. These precious little ones are such an amazing gift from God and I am so excited that these two people get to become parents for the first time. September 1st is the official due date.

There was a dash of disappointment all around that there was only one baby in there. Don't get me wrong one is amazing, but they did put two in there and knowing that one didn't make it is a little bit hard. There were so many signs point to twins so it really was a shock to me.

Here is a little history on that last few weeks since finding out.
I called the parents on Christmas day. I hadn't gotten a period so we pretty much knew what to expect. I dipped the stick and almost immediately it changed to positive. Both parents were of course ecstatic. Those first few weeks are so nerve wracking. We were onto yet another next step, but of course we still had more waiting to do. I tested everyday just to make sure it was STILL positive. We got the first blood test results back (which was taken at 4 weeks of pregnancy) and the levels were at 265. That's a good amount, but what we really needed to see was it going up. The next blood test was at 5 weeks of pregnancy. These hormone levels were through the roof at a whopping 3816!!! Woo! Those are wonderful numbers! That left us with the nagging question of is it one or two??? Not only were those numbers quite high for a singleton pregnancy, but I was also beginning to show already! I had to keep reminding myself that it had only been a year since I had my youngest daughter and this is also my third pregnancy. My body may respond a lot quicker this time. The questions were just killing me! The unknowns and the what ifs. It was really nerve wracking. It feels so nice to actually KNOW something. Seeing that one amniotic sac on the ultrasound screen really washed away all the stress that I had been feeling. It has been a long few months waiting and more waiting, but now we are finally here!

There is some sense of relief with having one... as exciting as two would have been. I have never carried twins and it honestly felt like it would change the whole pregnancy. There are SOOOO many unknowns with twins. Are they both going to grow properly, what if one is getting more nutrients than the other, will I need bed rest, will I need a c-section, if I deliver one vaginally will the other one come that way too, what if twin B is breach etc. etc... I know what to expect with one. I've done it before and I feel like we can relax and truly enjoy this process and I just really look forward to sharing this with the mom and dad. I really pray that everything remains healthy and normal and it's uneventful from here on in.

A small update...but not the news you've been waiting for.

2009-12-28T17:00:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone. I just wanted to update you on what's going on as far as results coming in :) I have had e-mails and facebook messages just pouring in asking if we have any good news to share. Well... unfortunately I can't spill the beans yet. I did want to let everyone know that tomorrow I have the results from my first blood test coming in. We are really hoping and praying that the results test positive for pregnancy and show high levels of HCG. If the levels are much higher than normal that will also give us a little heads up on the possibilty of it being twins. It's not an exact science though so we won't know for sure until there is an ultrasound. If this blood test is positive for pregnancy they will test again on Dec. 31st and we will get the results in on Jan. 2nd.

Sorry to leave ya hanging :) Enjoy your New Years!!

Symptoms!!!

2009-12-20T18:14:00.000-08:00

I have already shared all this with IP's and since this blog is meant as a way for people to share in this process and understand how it works and feels I thought it would be a good idea to add this in here. I pray I am not getting everyone's hopes up for nothing.

I am discovering there is a fine line between pretty sure and hoping. I feel pretty sure about things, but I am also really hoping that I am right... if that makes any sense at all. As most of you know I have been pregnant twice before with my daughters. The pregnancy's were SOO completely different from one another I wouldn't have even thought it was possible. I blew every old wives tale out of the water. The one similarity between the two (aside from both being girls and the exact same weight; 7'1) is that I was farely certain I was pregnant before I got a positive on the test. With my first pregnancy I kept saying I "feel" pregnant even with a false negative on the first test, I just knew. Many women who have been pregnant before can probably attest to this. Basically I'm saying this b/c I think that this means I know my body pretty well. I'm farely consistent so I notice changes pretty quickly.

Two days ago I started to notice these symptoms:
1)Bloated Belly - This may sound weird, but honestly after I eat I look like I've got a 4 month baby belly. It slowly goes down as my food digests. The only time I remember feeling like this was in my early weeks of pregnancy with my daughters. My pants stopped fitting properly very early and I had to use the ol rubber band around the pant loop trick.
2)Sleepiness - I haven't been sleeping well for about a month or more and I really haven't felt tired at all during the day until about Friday. I was laying on the couch thinking man I could use a nap and then it dawned on me. I haven't felt like this type of sleepy since I was pregnant with Briea (my youngest). I was a stay at home mom at the time and I am NOT a napper (EVER), but in my first trimester I napped everyday. It's a different type of tired too... I can't explain it...
3)Insane sense of smell - I normally have a really good sense of smell, but in my first pregnancy my sense of smell was obnoxiously good. If my husband cooked with onions (yes he cooked b/c the smell of meat made me sick) I could smell them in my house for the next two weeks. It was yesterday that I started noticing my sense of smell. We walked into a Wok Box and a normally yummy smelling place almost sent me over the edge. There was something cooking in there that did not agree with this keen nose of mine. It was awful. We ate there and I was fine, but it definitely got my mind working.
4)My slow moving digestive system - (sorry if this is too much info, it comes with the business of (I hope) pregnancy). I am not constipated... ooh I hate using that word... but I can just tell things aren't normal in that department. I'm going to stop there...
5)Nausea - When I am pregnant my body is very sensitive to water intake. I normally drink a good amount of water so if I don't I kind of feel sick. I have had it two days in a row where I didn't drink enough water and I felt icky. It's not morning sickness... its' too early for that yet, but I feel that I am already needing my water even more than normal. That also leads to more peeing so that symptom could be just from more water.

Those are the main ones for now. I don't know if they sound convincing to you guys, but for me I feel pretty sure that it has worked. It's hard to describe everything, but I really know my body and this is how I have felt in the past... and I was right 2 out of 2 times. I don't want to get any ones hopes up just to have them dashed, but I do want to share. If I'm wrong we can use it as a learning experience and know not to trust a "waiting" body (and mind). :) Lets hope I'm right. I feel very excited, but VERY nervous to find out. There are a lot of peoples emotions resting on the result of this pregnancy test. No pressure though haha.

This will be my last post until after our second blood test. I won't be posting the results of our Christmas day pregnancy test b/c if it is positive (which I think/hope/pray it will be) we want to make sure the hormone levels are going up at the rate they should be and that we have a viable pregnancy. So after January 2nd and after the IP's have shared the good news I will update you all. Even if it's negative I will wait to share... sorry to leave you hanging. Hope you all have a wonderfully great Christmas and New Years.

Middle of the two week wait

2009-12-18T11:33:00.000-08:00

There are so many emotions and thoughts going through my head everyday... I can only imagine how it must be for the IP's. One minute I feel so good and confident that this is going to work and then the next minute I'm scared and worried that it might not. It's so hard b/c we saw them in there and if it doesn't work than we would have lost them. I didn't realize how real seeing the transfer would make things feel. At the same time I am so grateful that it does feel this way. Even if it doesn't work the IP's were parents to these precious little embryo's and even if we don't get to meet them they were/are loved.

I had to give my mom the (twenty) pregnancy tests that I had bought online ($0.89 a piece) so that I wouldn't take them. My will power is not strong enough to resist seeing them sitting there and wanting to know sooo bad. I know the waiting will be all worth it when we find out Christmas morning. It will be weird waiting for that test to change. I just remember what it was like when my husband and I were trying to get pregnant. We took the test and while we were waiting we really didn't know if we could be... we were hoping, but what if we didn't get the dates right or what if I didn't ovulate that month or if I was late... there are so many unknowns whereas this way you know that yes IM "ovulated" (in a sense) on this day, fertilization happened this day and the transfer was a success. All we are waiting for now is to see if the implantation and continued growth of the babies was successful. We've been through so many steps so far it feels much more of a possibility. I hope I hope I hope!!!

I am really frustrating myself. Every twinge or cramp I feel I have to stop and think about what it could be. I read that some people get crampy when the embryo implants. I was nauseous the other day and I got so excited until I looked online and even for twins it was too early to feel symptoms. Darn... I was just needing water. Then I jaunted down the hallway and felt a little contraction type motion in what felt like my uterus. Or if I cough or giggle I feel it... it's almost like it's tender, but not painful just kind of irritable. It has kind of been like that ever since the transfer so it's most likely from that. I'm trying not to think about it, but my senses are hyper vigilant right now. I am also taking higher than average amounts of iron, to ward of any signs of anemia that tends to come my way when I'm pregnant, so it is highly likely that that's why my digestive track has taken a hit and is now trying to work it's way back to normal. Basically I just need to chill out, try and not think about it and go on with life as usual... easier said than done, but I've got to try.

I will post the outcome of the pregnancy test we will be taking on Christmas day as soon as the IP's give me the go ahead. I will let them tell their family first of course. They may even want to wait until after our 2nd blood test results arrive on Jan 2nd. before we go public with the info. If it's positive we will be walking on egg shells until we see those beating hearts on the first ultrasound.

Oh yeah... If we are in fact pregnant we are technically 3 weeks and 2 days now!!! The counting starts two weeks before the conception date... some weird pregnancy loophole, but I'll take it!

A few pics...

2009-12-14T09:31:00.000-08:00

CLICK ON PICTURES TO ENLARGE!!
I wanted to share the pics of the IP's little embryo's that we got. What we are seeing here (the little white dot) is actually little bubbles of air on either side of the embryo's since they are too small to see without a microscope. Still cool nonetheless :) The large black thing ontop is my bladder! wowza!

That moment when the dr. injected the IP's little emby's into my uterus was just amazing! I can't describe it. Everything that we had been working towards and hoping for was finally happening. They are in there!!! They are actually in there!! I imagine them growing and thriving and preparing to meet their very excited parents in 9 months. I know that there is a chance that this won't work, but for now there are two babies in my belly and until I hear otherwise I am going to try and make them the best home possible and pray for them like they are already here.

IM was with me during the transfer and it was SOOO nice to have her there. She stood beside the "bed" and snapped pictures of the procedure on the ultrasound machine. It was so interesting to be able to watch it all happen. There were a couple things that really weirded me out. First was how hugely massive my bladder was. I saw her put the speculum in and then watched and FELT as it pushed against my bladder. It was ridiculously full which I suppose was a good thing, but not very comfortable. There was no hope in me not being able to pee that morning when I got up so then I panicked and downed two bottles of water and a cup of tea two hours before the transfer was scheduled... needless to say I had to empty a tad bit off the top while we were waiting. Another thing that was strange was how she could make my uterus move. If she pushed on my bladder... yay... or cervix you could actually watch my uterus bounce and float in there. It was very strange. At one point she actually poked a little (not painful at all) at my cervix with a q-tip haha. We could see the q-tip and then my uterus sway slowly in response... definitely weird, but cool. :D

It was so neat to bring the pics out to the IF-intended father after (he was in the waiting room). You could just see the excitement in his eyes. Both these parents already love these babies, it is written all over their faces and it's wonderful. We spent the rest of the day chilling at the hotel. IM was having quite a lot of discomfort from her over stimulated ovaries and really needed to take it easy. Her job of retrieving the embryo's was by far the hardest part of this whole process so far.

These last two pics are just pics of me waiting in my oh so sexy grey gown skirt for the transfer to begin and a pic of the wonderful manicure we got done the day before. IM and I went for massages, mani's and pedi's and it was so awesome. Perfect way to relax our nerves in preparation for the big day :)

Transfer!!!

2009-12-12T15:34:00.000-08:00

The day has finally come!! It's been almost a year since we first started talking about this possibility and now we've done it! This morning at 10:15 (Saturday Dec.12th) we transferred two embryo's on day three. One was rated as a B+ and the other as a B, both at a wonderful 8 cell stage (they like to see between 6 to 8 cells on day three) and looking good. There ended up being 5 healthy embryo's out of the 7 so they now have three frozen for future baby's all of them rating at least a B (one was a B+). There is a huge sense of relief having completed this step in the process. Now all we have to do is sit back, relax and wait. Since Christmas is coming up and the clinic will be closed they really encouraged us to take an at home pregnancy test. My first blood test is Dec. 24th and my second is Dec. 31st. Those will give us the numbers to see how well they are doing, but for now a positive sign would be just such a huge answer to prayers. One or two it doesn't matter as long as they get a healthy little munchkin. The dr's warned us that there is a 1 in 3 chance that the IP's could end up with two and in that case YAY!!

The actual transfer was really quick and painless. It felt similar to getting a pap with the worst part being my excessively full bladder. It was so neat. We got to watch the dr. inject the precious little embryo's into my uterus and we took pictures of the little spot on the ultrasound machine that looked like a very little grain of rice. What we were seeing wasn't actually the embryo it was an air pocket that the embryologist put on each side of the embryo's so that we are able to see where it is. It's so weird to sit here knowing that I have two little gifts in my body ,however it feels perfectly normal to think of them as the IP's little ones... maybe b/c I've had so long to prepare for it.

Now we just relax, wait and pray... easier said than done...
Thanks everyone for all your support. We all feel very positive about this working. Keep praying!!

Excellent retrieval!!!

2009-12-09T12:08:00.000-08:00

I am just sitting her stunned at how awesome things have been going so far. This retrieval has gone better than I even thought was possible. It has blown our expectations and hopes out of the water. They managed to retrieve 5 eggs vaginally from her right ovary. This in itself is just so awesome b/c a vaginal retrieval wasn't supposed to be an option. Her ovary must have come down sometime in the last couple days. They were also able to retrieve 2 eggs from her left ovary. We had initially been told that this ovary was behind some organs and therefor inaccessible. So we have ended up with 7 eggs!! They are going to go ahead and try to fertilize all of them. We are hoping for at least two healthy strong looking embryo's to do a day three transfer. That would put us at Dec. 12th and we would be finding out on Dec. 29th (hopefully) via a blood sample if the pregnancy was a success. IM and I both agree that we don't want to take any pregnancy tests prior to that blood work at the risk of disappointment. If we get a positive result and it then turns out to be a chemical pregnancy or something along those lines it would be so hard to deal with thinking it worked and then basically having our hopes shattered. We will suck it up and wait the excruciating 17 days to find out... at least that's the plan. If the IP's decide they want me to test I am at their mercy. haha :D

Thankfully for now IM is resting in her hotel room and recovering from the retrieval process. The abdominal retrieval was quite painful, but thankfully they were able to give her some pain meds so that she can rest and heal. Lets hope this is the only time she will have to go through this.

I have started my Prometrium today. I believe this is a synthetic version of the hormone progesterone which we all know is important during pergnancy... although I'm not totally sure what it does. I will have to ask about that. It is ummmm.... interesting... It is taken similar to a Canestan tablet... via a vaginal suppository. I have to take two pills three times a day and sit or lay down for a few minutes after each dose. It's only day one so I haven't had any symptoms yet, but some that I may experience include nausea, bloating, breast tenderness, headache, change in vaginal discharge (sorry if that's too much info), mood swings, blurred vision, dizziness and drowsiness. We'll have to wait and see what happens. From my understanding I am on these tablets until I am 10 weeks pregnant so I better get used to them. So far so good.

I am leaving tomorrow afternoon for Vancouver and will remain there until the transfer is complete. I can't believe that we are finally here! I have been in conversation with this couple for almost a year and it has been wonderful to get to know them. It seems so surreal to think that this may be the beginning of what we have been talking about this whole time. I am so looking forward to going not only to complete the transfer, but also to spend some more time with the IP's. I really enjoy them and they are such fun to be around. It's going to be awesome to share this journey with them. I can't wait!!!

SHE'S READY!!!

2009-12-07T10:46:00.001-08:00

Great news!!! We've got 6 follicles waiting to be retrieved first thing Wednesday morning!! YAY!!! Such a relief after the week of unknowns we've had. She start her HCG injections tonight at a very specific time. She's the first retrieval of the day so we should have little emby baby's growing shortly. Here's hoping they are healthy and ready to start growing in a nice cozy uterus.

So I had to delete what I wrote earlier in this post about only using three eggs... I thought I remember them telling us that, but that is not the case. We are still following our beliefs and morals about life and we will be treating these little embryo's as special, but we are going to use as many eggs as we can get. If there are more than two viable healthy embryo's then we will keep them.

Wow!! YAY!! Can't wait to get all the news and time lines and dates and everything. Looking forward to everything. Man the two week wait after the transfer is going to be deadly haha.

Relieved!

2009-12-06T09:34:00.000-08:00

We got great news this morning at IM's (intending mom) u/s (ultrasound). They found 6 (I think she said 6 or 7) follicles that are almost matured to the right size and should be ready by tomorrow. There are some follicles in her left ovary that are too mature, but not too the point of ovulation. If her u/s goes well tomorrow she should be ready to start her HCG that evening and schedule the retrieval for Wednesday morning(Dec.9th)!!!

I just can't describe the relief I felt when she said those words. I had been hoping and praying that they would get good news, but part of me was preparing to hear that we wouldn't be able to do it this cycle. This puts us at possible transfer between Dec.12th to 15th. One week away!!

This week I felt like this whole thing was teetering on the edge of a cliff... a short cliff... one where we would have fallen to the next ledge, but not all the way to the ground... a cliff none the less. It was very nerve wracking. Then to top it off I lost my estrogen pills!! These are the pills that I must take 3 times a day so loosing them for any amount of time could set me back a dosage. I had given them to my 1 year old to shake (they're child lock). We were in the living room and honestly what could possibly happen. I went to go take my evening dosage and I couldn't find them anywhere. I searched every square inch of my house for 2 hours!!! If I loose these now not only do I miss this dose, but I also miss however many it takes for me to get my prescription faxed over from the Vancouver clinic, filled by the pharmacy (if they have it in stock otherwise it takes two days to order more) and then picked up by me. We were looking at a minimum of 3 missed pills!!! I didn't know what that would do to our cycle, but it didn't sound very good. I couldn't think of anywhere else to look, went to bed and laid there trying not to beat myself up over letting Brie play with them. What was I thinking!! All this would have been avoided if I would have just put them back where they go!!! I was lying there all frustrated and stressed out at myself and thinking to God, "You know where they are!! Please just tell me!!" (I had been praying fervently the whole evenings search). Then I remembered something that my oldest daughter had said that afternoon (she's 3 1/2). I was folding laundry on the living room floor and Kiley runs over and says "Mom Briea's in the garbage" by the time I turned around Brie was walking away playing with something else. At that point I didn't think anything of it. Remembering this I bolted out of bed, slowly started taking out each piece of garbage and that's where I found it. When I saw that lid I almost flopped over with relief. Thank you Lord!!! Disaster averted! Needless to say it took me a little bit to settle my nerves and fall asleep that night. That will NOT happen again! I am super anal about where they are at all times from now on.

Well anyways, keep praying that things go well!! I'm so excited now I could burst :)

Hoping

2009-12-05T09:53:00.000-08:00

This week has been an emotional roller coaster for all of us involved. The IM (intending mom) has been in Vancouver since December 1st. She had her first ultrasound on the 2nd and we didn't get the best news. The dr. doing the u/s (ultrasound) made it sound like the abdominal retrieval that was necessary for her wasn't for sure going to happen. This was a shock to everyone b/c the very first step that we took in this process was for IM to get an ultrasound to "confirm" that retrieval was possible. We had been told that it wouldn't be a problem although more invasive and difficult than usual. She had her blood taken and her hormone levels came back in the normal range which was good news. Since they weren't able to view her ovaries during that first u/s they scheduled another one for the 4th.

This u/s went much better, but we were told there are still some obstacles to overcome. They found both her ovary's, but since one is hidden behind some organs they can only retrieve from one side. They saw quite a few maturing follicles in each ovary (yay!!). The problem that they came across is that there is one follicle in each ovary that is maturing at a faster rate than the others. If this larger follicle stimulates ovulation than that will mess this cycle up. It doesn't mean the end of everything, we will try again, but it would be very disappointing. The dr. dong this u/s was one of the people who will be doing the retrieval and she assured IM that the abdominal retrieval was possible and that she would do everything she possibly could to make this happen.

So we got some good news and some not super good news. She has her third u/s on the 6th and at that time we should be able to find out if the retrieval will happen this cycle. If everything looks good then she will begin her HCG that day. 36 hours after that they will retrieve the eggs and then 3-5 days after that the transfer will happen. There's still hope so we just need everyone praying that the eggs start maturing on the same timeline. We are all really hoping for a Dec.10th or 12th transfer.

Stages

2009-11-30T13:22:00.000-08:00

I am now in another waiting stage, but this one will probably be a short one. I have done most of what I need to do to get to the implantation stage as far as my body is concerned. The IM (intending mom) however is into the stage where she gets to start all her hormones. This is an exciting step in the process b/c it really is when we get to find out if all this is actually going to be possible. She has started her injections as of Nov.26th and will be leaving on Dec.2nd for an ultrasound in Vancouver. This ultrasound will check to see how her ovaries are responding to the hormones. What they need to do is get her body to produce an abundance of eggs and have them mature in her ovary. Naturally in your body you only produce one egg (more with multiples) and it does a maturing process that starts in the ovary and continues in the fallopian tubes. The process that the IM has to undergo can be uncomfortable and the clinic said that women can have a feeling of being "full" (not in her stomach, but just in general I think) since her ovary is actually swelled with the excess eggs. The actual retrieval of the egg can be painful as well. Normally for an egg retrieval they go up through the vagina and then use a needle to go through the side of the vagina and through to the ovary. I know that this process will be different for my IM since her anatomy is slightly different. I'm not sure how the process will change, but it will be interesting to hear how. I really hope it's not too painful for her, although she did say the way they will have to do it will be more invasive. She will be staying in Vancouver until the transfer happens. Everyday she has to go get blood taken and then wait for the clinic to call her with her hormone dosage for that day. It's a very precise science behind all this. I find it so interesting.

So keep your prayers coming! We are still on track for those dates, however we should have a better idea once the egg retrieval process begins. The eggs need to mature outside the uterus for 3 to 5 days (we are doing 3 since we want to transfer two eggs, if there are two). I feel so hopeful!! :)

8mm!!!

2009-11-23T14:53:00.000-08:00

We got good news today! My endometrium is 8mm!! YAY! It needed to be atleast 5mm for us to move on to the next step. The IM will be going off her BCP's today (from what I understood), which will essentially begin her cycle and then she will begin her hormone injections sometime this week (I think). It's confusing me right now, but basically we just do whatever the nurses tell us to. I am now taking three estrogen pills a day. Morning, noon and night and still on my synarel nasal spray.

The actual ultrasound that I had was easy and laid back which was nice considering it was an internal one. I have had one other (internal) one during my pregnancy with my youngest daughter so I knew what to expect. The dr. who did the prcedure made me feel very comfortable which was nice. It seems really funny b/c I spent half of yesterday and half of today flying here and back for a 2 min. procedure. I was at the clinic for a whole 12min. It makes me extra glad we got good news b/c it made the trip well worth it.

I just can't believe how fast this is all going! It's blowing my mind right at the moment. The IM will be going to Vancouver on Dec.2nd for an ultrasound and the most likely staying there until after the egg retrieval, fertilization and transfer. It looks like we are on target for our transfer date being sometime between Dec.8th and 10th. Wow! That's only around 2 1/2 weeks!! It's so neat to think that next Christmas could be their baby's (or babies) first Christmas!

Heading to Van

2009-11-20T08:00:00.000-08:00

I leave on Sunday!! wow!! I am so excited!! I feel really positive about this ultrasound going well. I doubled my does of Estrace yesterday and that evening I couldn't eat dinner b/c of some nausea that appeared. I think it will take a bit for my body to adjust to the extra amount of estrogen that's in my system. I've had morning sickness worse than this so it's nothing to complain about and it's really not aweful at all it's just enough to take my appetite away. Hoenstly I thought it would be a lot worse so I think it's going awesome so far!!

So I read over the symptoms that I listed in my last post and realized that yeah I have been having more side effects than I thought. Obviously not bad considering I forgot they were even side effects, but defiantely something to note since it is all part of the experience. I have had some dizziness and lightheadedness. I was always confused b/c I would just finish eating and then I would stand up and it would feel like I had low blood sugar... now I know :) I have gotten headaches, but again thought that was just normal. People get headaches sometimes, whatever haha. So out of the listed effects I have only gotten a few and it really has been fine. Totally worth it. In fact if I hadn't read the paper they gave me I probably wouldn't have paid much attention to these.

Please keep us in your prayers Monday morning (8am). Pray that my endometrium is preparing for baby and a wonderful 5mm thick. I have two days completely by myself in a city where I don't know anyone. This is going to feel like a holiday!!

The next step

2009-11-12T16:43:00.000-08:00

I got my period today as expected. Yay! I've never been this happy to see it arrive before haha. I have to start on my Estrogen (Estrace) on Saturday. I begin by taking one pill a day and then after 5 days of that switching to two a day. Then on Nov.23rd I fly down to Vancouver to get an ultrasound at the clinic. This ultrasound will tell us how thick my uterine lining is. If it is atleast 5mm we are in the clear for the IM to begin her injections. If it is less than that I will need to be on the Estrace for a bit longer before we can begin. Some of the side effects of the Estrace include dizziness, lightheadedness, headache, upset stomach, bloating, nauseau, weight changes, increased/decreased interest in sex, and breast tenderness. It will be interesting to see how this pill effects me. The pharmacist said it's similar to a birth control pill, but since the estrogen levels are quite a bit higher I may notice the side effects more... uh oh! It's ok we'll see what happens. If I do get any of these they usually taper off after about two weeks, once my body is used to it and I will only be on it until the transfer happens which will hopefully be around the corner.

I just can't believe how fast it is all happening at this point. Once IM starts her injections we are looking at about 15-18 days until we can do the embryo transfer. I can't believe it!!! That puts us at approximately December 8th to 11th. I knew that we were aiming to do it about that time, but hearing that it's actually a possibility really makes me excited!! Please pray that everything goes smoothly from here and that the transfer is a success.

Goodbye BCP's!!

2009-11-10T15:29:00.001-08:00

Today I am officially off of my birth control pills. I had to take the Synarel (nasel spray) along with the BCP's for 6 days and now I am just on the Synarel. I am hoping I will get my period here in about three days and then I can start my Estrace. The Synarel will stop me from ovulating (suppresses my ovaries) and the Estrace... well I'm not sure what the Estrace will do I just know that I need to start that after my period comes and of course when the clinic tells me to. I will ask them exactly what it does when I talk to them next.

So far the Synarel has been just a piece of cake. The only side effects that I've noticed have been minor sleep interuptions and a few extra zits than normal. Really nothing major at all. I was hugely relieved especially after how hard the BCP's hit me. I'm a hormone supplement pro now! hahaha It was a bit of a learning curve with the Synarel. The first few days I took it were gross. I would spray it into my nose and a few minutes later I would start tasting it as it ran down my throat. Poison is probably the closest I can come to describing the flavor. One of my friends suggested that I sniff with my nose more when I spray it so that it goes up my nasal passage instead of down my throat and what do you know she was right. I rarely taste it anymore. Learning the new meathod really just felt like the cherry ontop of the cake.

Both of my daughters have the "uncomfirmed" H1N1 virus. They haven't gotten swabbed, but all symptoms point to it. Poor little ones. I am betting that I will get it here shortly, which will suck, but I can say it will be nice to have it out of the way for when the pregnancy happens. I/we won't have to worry about getting it and it harming the baby. We'll see if I'm singing a different tune if/when I'm lieing on the couch in a fever induced daze.

First dose of something

2009-11-03T12:02:00.000-08:00

It begins!! I'm so excited!! Today I went to the pharmacy and picked up my first hormone treatment. It's called Synarel. It's a nasel spray that I take once in the morning and once at night. What Synarel will do to me is suppress my reproductive system and stop me from ovulating. It has similar side effects as the birth control pill I was taking, but usually those only last for about two weeks. I'm thinking it might be easier this time knowing that all these things are most likely coming. The birth control pill took me by total surprise. I'm ready this time. Bring on the hot flashes and sleepless nights b/c then I know it's doing the job :)

The intended mom starts on her birth control pills today. We need to now align our cycles to eachother b/c my body needs to be ready to receive a fertalized egg at the same time that she is ovulating. It's realy interesting. All this has made me realize that none of this is possible without God. Science can only go so far and it's amazing how many things need to be insync and working for this to happen. Our cycles have to match, my uterin lining has to be the prefect thickness at the right time, the dr's have to be able to harvest a good amount of healthy eggs from IM (intended mom), then IF (intended father) needs to have a good amount of healthy sperm, we then need atleast one or two healthy embryos to survive three days (outside my uterus) and then finally we need the embryo(s) to survive and grow inside of me. There is so much going on here and I feel so positive about the whole process, but I know that we really have to trust in God through this whole thing. None of this is possible without him.

It`s been awhile

2009-10-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

It`s been awhile since I have written something. Not much had been happening on the surrogate front.

A couple weeks ago the intended mom talked to the fertility clinic we are using and they informed us we had until Oct. 28th to get all our counselling and legal contracts completed. That set us all into a mad dash b/c we had thought we had until sometime in November to get that in and we weren't far along in the process. It was quite interesting actually. Going over the legal contract that we were going to be signing really brought up some questions we had to think about. For example, what would happen if the baby had a genetic or congenital disease that would make it unable to live once I gave birth? Would we continue on with the pregnancy and who would make that decision? If I happened to get pregnant with 3 or more embryo's would there be any case where we would be willing to reduce the size of the pregnancy? These were all things that we really needed to think about and it REALLY made me thankful for the intended parents. We have the same morals and values when it comes to the important things. I don't know what we would do if we didn't agree. What if we came to an impassable moral dilema? Everything had to be legally laid out, but at the same time I really trust that we are on the same page and that they take my feelings seriously. I'm glad that part is finished now. We can get to the fun stuff now ;).

My husband and I are heading to Mexico for a week with two of our closest friends. We are SO excited. This is the first time either of us have been out of the country and also the longest we have ever left the kids. I'm going to go and not look back hahaha. I know I will miss my girls, but it will be so nice to have this second honeymoon before we begin the pregnancy and hormone treatments. I can't believe that November is when we start it all. I'm so excited!!

HSG experience

2009-09-30T20:14:00.000-07:00

I had my Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) today!!! I'm relieved to have it over with and I definately psyched myself out for nothing. I was weird... that's the best way I can describe it.

So I get in there they give me a gown to put on. It's big enough to fit a full grown man which was actually kind of nice since all I could wear underneath were my socks. The nurse then brings me out a nice heated blanket to put on while I wait IN THE WAITING ROOM for them to bring me in. Thankfully there were only nurses hustling about b/c otherwise that would have been quite uncomfortable. So they call me in and the nurse sort of explains what will happen. This procedure is done vaginally, which was one part scary for obvious reasons and one part a relief since I had sort of imagined them using a huge needle to inject the dye through my stomach (obviously not the easiest way). She shows me all the instruments that they will use. They have to wash my cervix and then they use a long thin needle thing that has sort of a metal bulb looking thing at the end. She explains that the dye can cause some cramping and minor irritation to the uterus, but that the part that most women find uncomfortable is when they clamp the needle thing onto the side of my cervix. That sounded not fun to me at all!! She then procedes to tell me my dr's name. This is when I started to feel weird b/c I realized that it's an older man from my church whom I have known since I was a baby. I was kind of wishing for the needle through the stomach idea at that point. Thankfully my fears were put to rest when he came in and he didn't mention anything about knowing me. I was VERY relieved about this. I was not in the state of mind to talk about how my parents were doing and where my brothers were living now.

I was unsure of exactly how much detail I should go into. Should I tell them I'm going to be a surrogate or should I try and give as little information as possible. That question was answered for me pretty quickly when the first thing out of the dr's mouth was "So you've been trying to get pregnant for awhile?" I wasn't prepared to lie and when my answer of "we are going to use IVF" only caused more questions to come my way I quickly realized that obviously I should just say what I'm doing here. Especially since he goes to my church and he will find out eventually. So I spit it out and both were surprised (this is Dawson after all), but very supportive. He asked a few more questions just out of his own curiosity, but after that we got to continue with the procedue. Yay......

They laid me down on this cold metal table with this big half circle ultrasound machine. I was pretty relaxed and "comfortable" for the begining, but once I realized that they would soon be clamping something to my cervix I started to get quite nervous. That's when I heard the great news. The dr. says clamping it won't be necessary today. Woohoo!! Relief flooded through me. Now all I had to worry about was the dye. They turned the ultrasound screen towards me so that I could watch as he slowly injected the dye and it started to float out into my fallopian tubes. I was surprised by how small my uterus and fallopian tubes were compareds to my pelvis. I honestly didn't feel a thing. The dye didn't bother me one bit and it showed that my reproductive organs appeared to be fine with no blockages to be seen. I was relieved to hear that it was over, but overall it was not a "bad" experience. The nurse was so awesome she definately made all the difference.

Hope that was not too graphic for you all ;) Thanks for letting me share.

It's booked

2009-09-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

Everything has happened as I had hoped. My cycle has started and I am already looking forward to not having to deal with this for 9 months. My HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) is scheduled for September 30th. I'm farely confident that everything will be fine since I have had no problems in the past and my body has handled my pregnancy's fine, however it's always better to be safe than sorry. It would be awful to go through everything, spend all that money only to find out later that there was something wrong within my body that was causing problems. I'm happy to be one step closer.

Today we have our first counsellors appointment. This is mandatory with the clinic we are using which I think is a really smart idea. Basically they want to make sure that I am mentally/emotionally okay to continue in this process. I also think it's very important that our marriage be strong enough to survive or should I say flourish during this time. I know that pregnancy's can be hard on marriages and I'm sure surrogate pregnancy's are a whole different ball game. I feel like we are good to go, but it will be nice to have someone else's opinion. The women we are going to see is also a Christian and I have been told she is just awesome. I'm actually really looking forward to our meeting.

End of pack one

2009-09-17T10:51:00.000-07:00

So today is my last pill (of the pack)!! I'm really excited b/c it means a. I'll get my period and we can find out if my body is going to get back to normal in time for this to happen by December and b. I get to have my hysterosalpingram done in 9 to 11 days which brings us one step closer in the whole process. It feels like we've been at a stall for the past little bit so it will be nice to see some progress.

I'm going to talk about menstration right now ... pre warning for anyone who is uncomfortable with this ;) haha.

I haven't had a period since before I got pregnant. So that makes it about 19 months now. wow!! I'm a little nervous about getting it. Is it going to be super painful or heavy? I don't remember what it was like after I had my first daughter. I know it's inevitable so I'm happy to just get it out of the way so I can quit wondering when and if and how. So here's hoping everything is normal and as it should be.

Starting to adjust

2009-09-04T07:55:00.000-07:00

I am hugely relieved to discover that the side effects from my birth control pills are slowly starting to level out. I was really wondering how I was going to handle the next four months of this. I knew that I was defiantely going to find a way, but it wasn't going to be the easiest part of this whole thing. I feel like such a little whiner, seriously it's just the pill!! There are millions of women on it and they don't complain. Honestly though it felt like I was on drugs. I started slowly sleeping better and not having nightmares. I only feel jittery in the mornings, but it feels more like I'm cold and shivering and my mood swings are much more controlable. Pretty much everything has gone back to a somewhat normal level and I am feeling more like myself again. It was a huge relief!!! I was thinking that it might take some time for my system to get used to the hormones, but I never imagined that it would be this quick. I hope that means they are still working.... I guess we'll find out when I'm done my first pack and my cycle is supposed to come ;)

So it's good news. We are heading in the right direction and I'm no longer a little bit crazy :) Thanks for puting up with me!!

Feeling a little crazy..... already.

2009-08-31T16:50:00.000-07:00

I know I have only been on these birth control pills for a few days, but I am already feeling the effects. My dr. put me on a strong dosage and man can I tell. I have taken birth control a couple times in the past and I definately noticed a difference in myself, but nothing like these ones. It honestly feels like a first trimest pregnancy for me.... which isn't saying much since I've been very fortunate with them in the past. I'm completely up and down with my emotions, usually down at the expense of my poor husband and if I don't eat on time I start to feel nauseaus. I can't sleep at night b/c either a. my mind is on and I can't stop thinking, my dreams even wake me up or b. I'm having a nightmare, which hasn't happened in SOO long. I'm even jittery and having crazy anxiety/panick attacks. It's seriously the weirdest feeling. Maybe it's all in my head. I can only imagine what I'm going to be like once I start with the 'big time' hormones. Maybe it's a good thing that I am feeling these ones so much, atleast we know they are working. Maybe it means that my body responds well to hormone treatment... that would be awesome! It's all speculation at this point, but just thought I would share my thoughts.

I want this blog to be as honest as I can possibly make it. I'm sure there will be times of discomfort and obviously pain (ie, birth), but I wouldn't change it for the world. I want to share all the ups and downs, my fears and excitments. I want to complain about feeling crappy one day and marvel at a new deveolopement the next. I just want everyone to know that this is what I signed up for, I was educated in my decision and I am 100% onboard no matter what is tossed my way. Sitting here feeling crazy and hormonal and I'm still excited and enjoying the experience and we haven't technically even started yet.

Thanks to everyone who is joining me in this!!

Lets Get Started

2009-08-29T11:17:00.000-07:00

I had an appointment with my dr. yesterday and I am officially on birth control. Since I have been breastfeeding my daughter for the past nine months I haven't yet had a period. With this extra strong dose of hormones we are hoping that it will get my cycle back on track. I also have to go and get a Hysterosalpingogram, which I'm sort of dreading. This is a process where they inject dye into my fallopian tubes and uterus to make sure that everything is still in working order for carrying babies. It's only a short procedure, but apparently quite painful. I know it's worth it so I'm just looking forward to getting it over with.

I've been reading a LOT of blogs lately. I'm so interested in finding other women who have either been a surrogate or used one. So far all the stories I have read have been very positive. It seems that a lot of the surrogates enjoyed the whole process and loved sharing it with the intended parents. Likewise the intended parents have been very involved and a great support to the surrogate. I'm glad that there are experiences out there that I can share in and learn from. I think that building a relationship with everyone involved really helps make the process as easy and natural as it can be and in the end just a joyful experience.

First visit to the clinic

2009-08-20T15:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got back from my consultation with the clinic in Vancouver that will be orchestrating this whole thing. The outlook is very positive. On paper it looks like we are all prime candidates. We are all still in our twenty's so that should mean that everything is young and ready to function as it's supposed to. It looks like the procedure to harvest the eggs may be more difficult and invasive than we had hoped, but the good news is that they can do it! We got a list of all the steps that we are going to need to take once we decide to start the process. Our goal is to do the embryo transfer sometime in December. It really hit me that it's coming fast!!! We are already well into August! I am very excited to begin.

Meeting the parents

2009-08-20T15:08:00.000-07:00

After months of talking to the intended mom I finally got a chance to meet her. We were going to meet halfway and bring our mutual friend along. It was going to be so fun with just me and the girls.

I felt like I knew her already. We had talked on the phone a couple times and I had seen pictures. I felt like I sort of knew what to expect and as it turned out I wasn't disapointed. She was easy to talk to, a well rounded normal person. We had a great weekend.

A few months later we finally met the intended dad on a trip out to their house. We live about a 10 hour drive away from eachother and since we were heading that way we decided to drive down for a visit. It was awesome and refreshing to see them together. They obviously love eachother and I know that without a doubt they will make great parents. It made me happy to see their home and imagine their lives with a baby in the picture. One things for sure this baby is wanted and it will be loved.

It felt like it took stages for me to realize what it might be like to actually go through with this. There was never any doubt that I wanted to, but it didn't feel real at first. I don't know if it was a coincidence or if meeting them brought me face to face with reality, but all of a sudden it hit me as to how hard it could actually be. I will fall in love with this baby there is no doubt about that. I fall in love with most baby's I hold let alone carry for 9 months. It is going to be hard to walk out of that hospital empty handed. There is no way that it couldn't be. I want to go into this realistically. I can't fool myself into thinking that it will be a peice of cake or else I won't be prepared for when it happens. What I do know for sure is that it won't be the same as with my own children. I won't go through this pregnancy ever thinking anything else but that this is their baby and I can't wait to see them meet him/her. They will get to look at their precious baby and stare in awe at it's hair and eyes and tiny little nose. So although I caught a glimps of how hard it could be once this is all over, them being there reminded me that it's going to be awesome. It will be their birth and it will be wonderful!! And when I leave the hospital I'll be welcomed home by my sweet girls and my supportive husband. Now it feels like so much to look forward to.

I can't wait!!!

The Decision

2009-08-20T13:56:00.000-07:00

The decision to become a surrogate felt like an easy choice for me. When I gave birth to my youngest I thanked God for our beautiful, healthy baby girl, but I also mourned the end of my pregnancy. I enjoyed it so much and I have always seen pregnancy, birth and the joy of becoming a parent as such a beautiful process. I never took for granted the fact that my husband and I always seemed to have an easy time getting pregnant. It almost seemed unfare to me. There were people, some of whom were close friends, who had a hard time conceiving and who had suffered losses. The idea that we were able to conceive and give birth to two healthy baby's, without any complications or difficulty seemed too good to be true.

The idea of surrogacy first came to me about a year after we had our first daughter. She was at such an enjoyable stage and although I was starting to feel ready to be pregnant again I knew that I was not ready to have another baby. I wanted everyone to get a chance to feel what I was feeling. To love someone so much it hurts and to marval at every little thing they do. The first smile, sitting, crawling, laughing, walking and even crying. There is just nothing like it. I started talking to a family who I had found over the internet. She had been in a car accident a few years earlier which had caused her to undergo an emergecy partial hysterectomy and had left her unable to carry children, but still able to produce her own eggs. We talked for about 6 months, but whenever I offered to meet them it became evident that they weren't really serious about the whole thing. It gave me a lot of things to think about. Did I really want to do this? What if the parents wanted me to have an abortion for some reason or reduce the size of pregnancy if it was multiples? I wasn't willing to do that! It became evident that if I was going to do this it would have to be for a couple with the same beliefs as me.

A few years passed. We had our second daughter and the idea once again came back into my head. I meantioned it on one of those silly surveys on facebook. I hesitated before writing it, but something in my mind urged me on. One day passed and I got an e-mail from one of my old high school friends saying that her best friend was looking for a surrogate and asked if I would talk to her. I was so shocked I couldn't believe it, but I was also so excited. I started talking to the intended mom. She was great. She was also a Christian and had the same beliefs and values about preserving life that I did. I talked to my husband about it... a little bit nervous about what he would say. He never enjoyed me being pregnant as much as I did. To my surprise he said almost immediately "if it's something your passionate about and you believe strongly that it's something your supposed to do, than I will stand beside you 100%." I almost cried I couldn't believe it. What an awesome man!!!

I felt very nervous to tell the intended parents about our decision. My experience with the people before made me worried that they might not want me. I got up the nerves to mention it to her in an e-mail and she replied back that they wanted me to do it. I was relieved and very excited. We could really plan on this. We could start talking about what we will do instead of what we might do. It was very exciting.

To my surprise everyone who I told, including my mother, were all very supportive. I was worried about what people would say. Most people thought I was crazy, but all agreed that it was awesome. My mom thinks about some things differently than I do so I was worried she would try and talk me out of it, but she accepted it and encouraged me right away.

Ultimately my feelings consisted of excitement and peace about the decision my husband and I had made. I KNOW that this is something God has called me to do. I believe that God is blessing this couple and I pray everyday that they will get the chance to be parents. It's exciting to be on the crazy journey with them and it warms my heart to see that I will get to help them bring a child into their warm and loving home.